Do you ever just see a beautiful woman from the distance and just watch for awhile? In my mind I can imagine myself beside them and write a whole story in my head about a life I can never have. I might watch for several minute to burn the details of their movements in my head so that it feels more real in my head when I think about it later. In some ways I wonder if this is better for me than actually trying to talk to her because the version of her in my head will always be purer and untarnished than the real thing could ever be. I will never be disappointed by their flaws & failings & to this imaginary woman, they will never see the flaws in me.
If I think about it like this enough I can almost convince myself of the perfection in this. That this purity is good. But eventually I pull out of my head and remember just how quiet everything around me is & the loneliness just becomes starker.
I think some people might tell me to just go try talking to these women, but I already know they wouldn't give me any real attention. Either just an awkward smile & excuse at best or contempt & disgust. I'm not masochistic enough to put myself through that humiliation anymore, I don't think.
If I think about it like this enough I can almost convince myself of the perfection in this. That this purity is good. But eventually I pull out of my head and remember just how quiet everything around me is & the loneliness just becomes starker.
I think some people might tell me to just go try talking to these women, but I already know they wouldn't give me any real attention. Either just an awkward smile & excuse at best or contempt & disgust. I'm not masochistic enough to put myself through that humiliation anymore, I don't think.
