Do you fear yourself? In a way, I do partially.
It’s not in a sense that I would do anything dangerous or go on a full splurge but I can tell I’m on a loose rope, barely balancing the shitstorm that is my mind and reality.
Inherently, I’ve always been a pessimist; even as a little kid growing up, at first I was certainly hopeful but it wasn’t optimism in the truest sense, it was like me expecting the bare minimum and feeling content at the prospect of it. Like, my mother eventually loving me instead of abuse or secondary school being completely different from primary, or making some real friends. Silly shit like that which seems pretty normal to people.
Well, now I’m just an utter chud; constant negativity that fills my mind. I have to constantly remind myself to expect less than nothing, only then will life no longer disappoint me.
Well, the lack of… Anything really, and the expectation on things only coming out worse is really teetering me close to some degree of a mental breakdown; doesn’t help on how worthless I deem my life and existence.
I wonder how a genuine connection is like? Not sex, I don’t really care about that anymore, just…
Love. Not the stupid shit most people have, where they hardly share anything and practically together due to just the idea of being in a relationship, but genuine heart throbbing love between people arm and arm.
The kind where you could be having a bad day, and just the thought of the other person is enough to fill your heart with warmth.
tired man. kind of thing which will never reach me, and I should never expect to ever reach me, and I should just erase even the idea of such a phenomenon if I want to continuing.
My legs are weak from yesterday yet I can tell I wouldn’t have wanted to get up today anyways. Why is my mind so full with romance recently? I would much rather feel nothing or desire pure intimacy than this.
It’s not in a sense that I would do anything dangerous or go on a full splurge but I can tell I’m on a loose rope, barely balancing the shitstorm that is my mind and reality.
Inherently, I’ve always been a pessimist; even as a little kid growing up, at first I was certainly hopeful but it wasn’t optimism in the truest sense, it was like me expecting the bare minimum and feeling content at the prospect of it. Like, my mother eventually loving me instead of abuse or secondary school being completely different from primary, or making some real friends. Silly shit like that which seems pretty normal to people.
Well, now I’m just an utter chud; constant negativity that fills my mind. I have to constantly remind myself to expect less than nothing, only then will life no longer disappoint me.
Well, the lack of… Anything really, and the expectation on things only coming out worse is really teetering me close to some degree of a mental breakdown; doesn’t help on how worthless I deem my life and existence.
I wonder how a genuine connection is like? Not sex, I don’t really care about that anymore, just…
Love. Not the stupid shit most people have, where they hardly share anything and practically together due to just the idea of being in a relationship, but genuine heart throbbing love between people arm and arm.The kind where you could be having a bad day, and just the thought of the other person is enough to fill your heart with warmth.
tired man. kind of thing which will never reach me, and I should never expect to ever reach me, and I should just erase even the idea of such a phenomenon if I want to continuing.
My legs are weak from yesterday yet I can tell I wouldn’t have wanted to get up today anyways. Why is my mind so full with romance recently? I would much rather feel nothing or desire pure intimacy than this.
