I'm not much of a poster, its a been a while life has been too stressful to say the least. I commented here a lot last year but probably none of you remember me since all i did was comment on other peoples stuff.
Well I don't really like to talk about myself mainly in person because i feel embarrassed about myself, but I feel the need to vent. It kind of feels strange to say but it feels like a luxury to post here when i have brief moments of peace which is rare compared to last year. I feel like this is the only place that can understand and listen to me, most other people are horrible and evil people who disregard gaslight and shame you for not complying with their ideals or your struggles are a joke to them. Especially women, they are cruel and only like trying to fuck with and humiliate me in which i do nothing to them at all so they don't mess with me. I was always treated by badly by others to my face making fun of how i look, and all my physical deformities that I have and my unattractive face. I'm not like the hunchback level of deformed but i do have some on my body that can be a challenge to hide. but i digress
Due to medical conditions and other things unrelated to inceldom, I was given an autism preliminary test to do, something which. From what i was told, if you scored below 30 percent you are considered neurotypical, while scoring 50 is the average score for an autistic person. Well after doing the test I was taken off guard to find out i scored in the ninety percent range to my shock.
I was always socially anxious and I would always blame my lack of confidence and my horrible communication skills, kind of like all the hollow advice 'just be confident bro' which i have been gaslighted my whole life with.
For the longest time I thought I was 'normal' that I was a bit strange but that im just like everybody else, or that was what i believed most of my life. All the challenges and difficulties in interacting with the world I just kept thinking that I was an idiot or weak that i was just human but a failure. Maybe it was me coping early on with my life that was instinctual. I had my 2 friends that are autistic and i always thought i was the non autistic one of the group. even being told that people with autism seem to get along with other autists, my mind was still in a form of denial. The past year though, the thought never left my mind it grew a bit
like a movie reel, my life flashed to me, all the situations that i struggled with, with change, with socializing, with sensory issue all came flooding back to me, it was then it fit into place, it sadly made sense from all the bad memories.
I wondered why so late in my life did i finally get considered for autism (preliminary) testing. Then I come to realize that all the teasing, bullying and harassment made me quiet, from home from school from everywhere, that all i could do was stay quiet and do what i was told. due to the fact i didn't speak too much unintentionally made me slip under the radar, as it would stop people from school bullying me teasing and hitting me but would delay any sort of help i could get. In addition I am likely moderately autistic rather than the more challenging or extreme cases that tend to take full focus and care, but it makes me so sad that so much later in my life i only now get to know, and how much i've gone through i've struggled on my own with no help at all where it could have made the parts of my life so much easier to get through and not have to be in the dark while i watch everyone thrive around me.
The only little good thing of this is that all the awkward cringy things, actions where not necessarily my fault fully just what i tried to interpret from others.
All the times i tried to fit in, all the cringy things i said, the ways i tried to act like the people around me, trying so desperately to fit in, but in the end it did not matter, because no matter how much i tired i was always the weirdo. It hurts me, because no matter what i did nothing worked
It also gives an extra understanding to why people avoided me so much, i was both unattractive and autistic my mannerisms and struggle to socially connect was repulsive, especially to women who all function strongly with social networking. The way i was, women just naturally despised, it was not only me either, i saw how they treated my 2 autistic friends and me as a joke or lepers though out school. Despite my denial deep down I knew there was something different, something wrong that i struggled to come to terms with. I was just so desperate in being normal and wanting a normal life, but sadly that dream is now dust, the idea of having lots of friends, to date and get along with women, to be functional and breeze through life of social interaction, to know the feeling of touch and being wanted, dissipated to nothing. I am still struggling but finally coming to terms with it.
I am scheduled to do the full testing in the future just to get full confirmation and any help i could get with it, and at this point i would need it. Though the person testing said it was quite clear to them that i was on the spectrum.
In the end, its just the final nail in the coffin, just like life, it was all rigged from the start.
I know this is a mess but this is just off the rip.
Well I don't really like to talk about myself mainly in person because i feel embarrassed about myself, but I feel the need to vent. It kind of feels strange to say but it feels like a luxury to post here when i have brief moments of peace which is rare compared to last year. I feel like this is the only place that can understand and listen to me, most other people are horrible and evil people who disregard gaslight and shame you for not complying with their ideals or your struggles are a joke to them. Especially women, they are cruel and only like trying to fuck with and humiliate me in which i do nothing to them at all so they don't mess with me. I was always treated by badly by others to my face making fun of how i look, and all my physical deformities that I have and my unattractive face. I'm not like the hunchback level of deformed but i do have some on my body that can be a challenge to hide. but i digress
Due to medical conditions and other things unrelated to inceldom, I was given an autism preliminary test to do, something which. From what i was told, if you scored below 30 percent you are considered neurotypical, while scoring 50 is the average score for an autistic person. Well after doing the test I was taken off guard to find out i scored in the ninety percent range to my shock.
I was always socially anxious and I would always blame my lack of confidence and my horrible communication skills, kind of like all the hollow advice 'just be confident bro' which i have been gaslighted my whole life with.
For the longest time I thought I was 'normal' that I was a bit strange but that im just like everybody else, or that was what i believed most of my life. All the challenges and difficulties in interacting with the world I just kept thinking that I was an idiot or weak that i was just human but a failure. Maybe it was me coping early on with my life that was instinctual. I had my 2 friends that are autistic and i always thought i was the non autistic one of the group. even being told that people with autism seem to get along with other autists, my mind was still in a form of denial. The past year though, the thought never left my mind it grew a bit
like a movie reel, my life flashed to me, all the situations that i struggled with, with change, with socializing, with sensory issue all came flooding back to me, it was then it fit into place, it sadly made sense from all the bad memories.
I wondered why so late in my life did i finally get considered for autism (preliminary) testing. Then I come to realize that all the teasing, bullying and harassment made me quiet, from home from school from everywhere, that all i could do was stay quiet and do what i was told. due to the fact i didn't speak too much unintentionally made me slip under the radar, as it would stop people from school bullying me teasing and hitting me but would delay any sort of help i could get. In addition I am likely moderately autistic rather than the more challenging or extreme cases that tend to take full focus and care, but it makes me so sad that so much later in my life i only now get to know, and how much i've gone through i've struggled on my own with no help at all where it could have made the parts of my life so much easier to get through and not have to be in the dark while i watch everyone thrive around me.
The only little good thing of this is that all the awkward cringy things, actions where not necessarily my fault fully just what i tried to interpret from others.
All the times i tried to fit in, all the cringy things i said, the ways i tried to act like the people around me, trying so desperately to fit in, but in the end it did not matter, because no matter how much i tired i was always the weirdo. It hurts me, because no matter what i did nothing worked
It also gives an extra understanding to why people avoided me so much, i was both unattractive and autistic my mannerisms and struggle to socially connect was repulsive, especially to women who all function strongly with social networking. The way i was, women just naturally despised, it was not only me either, i saw how they treated my 2 autistic friends and me as a joke or lepers though out school. Despite my denial deep down I knew there was something different, something wrong that i struggled to come to terms with. I was just so desperate in being normal and wanting a normal life, but sadly that dream is now dust, the idea of having lots of friends, to date and get along with women, to be functional and breeze through life of social interaction, to know the feeling of touch and being wanted, dissipated to nothing. I am still struggling but finally coming to terms with it.
I am scheduled to do the full testing in the future just to get full confirmation and any help i could get with it, and at this point i would need it. Though the person testing said it was quite clear to them that i was on the spectrum.
In the end, its just the final nail in the coffin, just like life, it was all rigged from the start.
I know this is a mess but this is just off the rip.
