This isn't anything new. Even as a kid I day-dreamed being born into some powerful family that ruled over a huge empire. It really makes me wonder, how the fuck was I already having these thoughts, as young as 5 years old, when other kids at that age are border-line brain dead? I am not even intelligent at all, I am actually dumb as fuck, but my inner-dialogue was so fucking strong, even at 5 years old, that I was already feeling as if I had been born the wrong time-line, and to the wrong family. If reincarnation of souls is actually a thing, I wouldn't be surprised if in a previous life that I was of royal blood in an powerful empire from the past. It just makes 0 sense to me that as young as 5 years old, I had these thoughts and feelings.
I remember my parents bought me a book that showed how military aircraft were built, maintained, functioned, and what they were capable of. I even remember having plans to build up my own air-force (SERIOUS). When I figured out that this was not possible, that it required billions of dollars, power over people to build the aircraft, and maintain them, and fly them, and that I would never have those resources, influence or power. It was the first time I fell into one of my first deep depressions/withdrawals as a kid, knowing what I wanted in life, it was impossible, and everything I was expected to like, meant nothing to me. This remained the same as I grew older. It wasn't until I was around age 18 or so that I realized this ambition of being a ruler of a nation was impossible, so I dramatically lowered my standards. I thought, well if I'm going to be a peasant in this life, I can at least have a family, by age 25, I'll be married, with kids, and live a somewhat normal life. But that never happened, females didn't want anything to do with me, I have never had any female show any interest to me, so eventually even that drastically lowered expectation in life was completely out of reach.
Now as I am over 30, I have come to the conclusion that I was not born in the right time-line. Perhaps being a Leader of an Empire, or being a Normie Peasant with a family was not meant to be my existence, maybe my existence was supposed to be a few million years some time in the future, as a space-traveling discovery, with the ability to travel all over the universe quickly, discovering new places. But again, this is not the normal thoughts, it is out of reach, an impossibility.
It seems everything I have ever wanted in life, is impossible, even the most realistic normie goal of having a wife and kids, my own family, even that is just as impossible for me as being a ruler of a powerful empire, or future space-traveling explorer. Sometimes I get angry at myself, and just wish my brain was wired normally, that I could just not have ever had a inner dialogue, or these autistic thoughts, and that I could just live life as a brain dead normie, living in the moment, never thinking of anything except pleasure and simple things.
I remember my parents bought me a book that showed how military aircraft were built, maintained, functioned, and what they were capable of. I even remember having plans to build up my own air-force (SERIOUS). When I figured out that this was not possible, that it required billions of dollars, power over people to build the aircraft, and maintain them, and fly them, and that I would never have those resources, influence or power. It was the first time I fell into one of my first deep depressions/withdrawals as a kid, knowing what I wanted in life, it was impossible, and everything I was expected to like, meant nothing to me. This remained the same as I grew older. It wasn't until I was around age 18 or so that I realized this ambition of being a ruler of a nation was impossible, so I dramatically lowered my standards. I thought, well if I'm going to be a peasant in this life, I can at least have a family, by age 25, I'll be married, with kids, and live a somewhat normal life. But that never happened, females didn't want anything to do with me, I have never had any female show any interest to me, so eventually even that drastically lowered expectation in life was completely out of reach.
Now as I am over 30, I have come to the conclusion that I was not born in the right time-line. Perhaps being a Leader of an Empire, or being a Normie Peasant with a family was not meant to be my existence, maybe my existence was supposed to be a few million years some time in the future, as a space-traveling discovery, with the ability to travel all over the universe quickly, discovering new places. But again, this is not the normal thoughts, it is out of reach, an impossibility.
It seems everything I have ever wanted in life, is impossible, even the most realistic normie goal of having a wife and kids, my own family, even that is just as impossible for me as being a ruler of a powerful empire, or future space-traveling explorer. Sometimes I get angry at myself, and just wish my brain was wired normally, that I could just not have ever had a inner dialogue, or these autistic thoughts, and that I could just live life as a brain dead normie, living in the moment, never thinking of anything except pleasure and simple things.
