PHp
21 yo 3.5/10 truecel monster
★★
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2019
- Posts
- 1,179
TLDR at the end
First off, I'm a low IQ subhuman mentalcel.
I'm currently at a medicine university but I'm a complete failure, my grades are awful. I never studied in my life before getting to uni, I always managed to find my way through somehow, but it is not working here. I'd legit prefer some physical tortures than studying, there is nothing I hate more than doing it, not even close. How can people be ok with spending hours reading the same shit over and over again and still not be able remember everything about it? And even if you manage to grasp a lot of it, you'll just end up forgetting a couple days later. That shit just makes me so anxious it is unreal.
I also can't overlook details I don't fully understand, and since we can never truly get 100% of what we're studying I always end up doing 0 progress. I'm gonna give an example, it's kind of dumb (very dumb actually) but it will give a better idea of what I'm talking about. If I read this phrase while studying about juices, " for instance, orange juice is made from oranges", let's suppose I don't know what an orange is, I can tell it is a fruit since I'm studying about juices but I still can't keep on going because now this doubt about what is an orange will keep lingering on the back of my head. So I stop studying about juices and go look into about oranges, and again I read another phrase "orange is a fruit that comes from a tree". Ok, but what exactly is an orange tree? So again I'll make another detour on my studies to look into orange trees.
So basically, my anxiety to know 100% about every single thing I'm studying makes me lose my main track, I always end up with a wide net of topics and never fully grasp even the basics of any of them, always ending up frustrated and anxious.
Also, there is so many extra things you need to do for your resume it is absurd, so much academic shit you're basically forced to do even though when you become a medic most won't work in this academic area, and I still haven't even begun. I've zero motivation for anything, not that it would matter anyway with how incompetent I am.
Talking about motivation, the main problem I have is related to mentalceldom. Why would I put the effort into a career if I will always be unhappy because of how socially retarded I am? I cannot make close relationships no matter how hard I try, and my 3/10 face and gay ass voice just makes it even worse. Seriously, I'm confident I'll end up killing myself just by how the pain that this loneliness causes gets worse everyday. It is so frustranting to suck at something so basic, I can't even talk to cashiers while buying stuff whithout stuttering or being plain weird.
All of this just makes me dread my future, I know I'm heading to a trainwreck professionally and socially. We all jest here about suicide a lot, but when this fear gets worse within me, knowing that I can kill myself genuinely calms me down. The first time it happened it even scared me, made me realize how lost and fucked up I am.
TLDR: My academic/professional incompetence due to low IQ, social retardation and loneliness due to mentalcedom and 3.5/10 subhuman body makes me dread my future so much that knowing I can kill myself when I'm unable to take it anymore genuinely calms me down
First off, I'm a low IQ subhuman mentalcel.
I'm currently at a medicine university but I'm a complete failure, my grades are awful. I never studied in my life before getting to uni, I always managed to find my way through somehow, but it is not working here. I'd legit prefer some physical tortures than studying, there is nothing I hate more than doing it, not even close. How can people be ok with spending hours reading the same shit over and over again and still not be able remember everything about it? And even if you manage to grasp a lot of it, you'll just end up forgetting a couple days later. That shit just makes me so anxious it is unreal.
I also can't overlook details I don't fully understand, and since we can never truly get 100% of what we're studying I always end up doing 0 progress. I'm gonna give an example, it's kind of dumb (very dumb actually) but it will give a better idea of what I'm talking about. If I read this phrase while studying about juices, " for instance, orange juice is made from oranges", let's suppose I don't know what an orange is, I can tell it is a fruit since I'm studying about juices but I still can't keep on going because now this doubt about what is an orange will keep lingering on the back of my head. So I stop studying about juices and go look into about oranges, and again I read another phrase "orange is a fruit that comes from a tree". Ok, but what exactly is an orange tree? So again I'll make another detour on my studies to look into orange trees.
So basically, my anxiety to know 100% about every single thing I'm studying makes me lose my main track, I always end up with a wide net of topics and never fully grasp even the basics of any of them, always ending up frustrated and anxious.
Also, there is so many extra things you need to do for your resume it is absurd, so much academic shit you're basically forced to do even though when you become a medic most won't work in this academic area, and I still haven't even begun. I've zero motivation for anything, not that it would matter anyway with how incompetent I am.
Talking about motivation, the main problem I have is related to mentalceldom. Why would I put the effort into a career if I will always be unhappy because of how socially retarded I am? I cannot make close relationships no matter how hard I try, and my 3/10 face and gay ass voice just makes it even worse. Seriously, I'm confident I'll end up killing myself just by how the pain that this loneliness causes gets worse everyday. It is so frustranting to suck at something so basic, I can't even talk to cashiers while buying stuff whithout stuttering or being plain weird.
All of this just makes me dread my future, I know I'm heading to a trainwreck professionally and socially. We all jest here about suicide a lot, but when this fear gets worse within me, knowing that I can kill myself genuinely calms me down. The first time it happened it even scared me, made me realize how lost and fucked up I am.
TLDR: My academic/professional incompetence due to low IQ, social retardation and loneliness due to mentalcedom and 3.5/10 subhuman body makes me dread my future so much that knowing I can kill myself when I'm unable to take it anymore genuinely calms me down