I hate life, no I absolutely abhor it. I used to think I was a somewhat smart individual with how far I've gone with my education but it's absolutely clear I'm a complete and utter idiot with how easily I fall for cope time and time again just to get further blackpilled time and time again. I hate the mirror, I hate the reflection, I hate my existence fucking hell what the actual fuck is wrong with me?
I want to absolutely shred whatever monstrosity I witnessed, I keep trying, trying and trying for fucking what?
Where the hell is any of the progress?
Why am I still tortured so fucking much by my childhood traumas? My bullying? My abuse? My entire childhood riddled with homelessness? My appearance? My severe autism? My life.
What was all the hardwork even for? I'm alone, completely alone. No family, no friends, no partner, no nothing. Even once I complete my undergraduate, go through postgraduate and finish my plan on my future, so what? Do I celebrate with my dead prison dad? My abusive homeless druggie mom? My distant normie brother that left utterly 0 contact? The acquaintances I struggled to even genuinely connect with due to autism before we stopped contacting? My imaginary partner? Fucking bullshit. The cabinet full of empty skincare products, the workout equipment, the hair routines, perfumes, the constant practice to overcome the last bit of social anxiety... I hate when clearly mild autistic people especially talk about how easy it is to talk to people and find people they relate to as though it's so fucking easy for any form of autism shut the actual fuck up it shouldn't even be considered a diagnosis to have "mild autism"; in every single way I am a major fuckup at birth and it's ironic how badly people want to say otherwise, while a lot of common examples of people use of a life someone should "ungrateful" be glad they didnt have exactly apply to me fukcihfjijghjipfduhkbnuijkosijnvhbxfnjipuj FUCK IT'S SO FUCKINGG STUPID HOLY SHIT I CAN'T WHY DO I EXIST? I want to rot, I desperately want to but something fundamental is holding me back; for normies it's somehow a "good sign" but it's genuine mental torture, I am really watching myself going insane atp; not even in an ER way but genuine book definition insanity.
My life is a fucking joke brought about by improbable certainty, an absolute paradox just as all life is; if god existed, he must be teetering on the edge of reason and madness. Life is a scam, and we all fell for it.
I want to absolutely shred whatever monstrosity I witnessed, I keep trying, trying and trying for fucking what?
Where the hell is any of the progress?
Why am I still tortured so fucking much by my childhood traumas? My bullying? My abuse? My entire childhood riddled with homelessness? My appearance? My severe autism? My life.
What was all the hardwork even for? I'm alone, completely alone. No family, no friends, no partner, no nothing. Even once I complete my undergraduate, go through postgraduate and finish my plan on my future, so what? Do I celebrate with my dead prison dad? My abusive homeless druggie mom? My distant normie brother that left utterly 0 contact? The acquaintances I struggled to even genuinely connect with due to autism before we stopped contacting? My imaginary partner? Fucking bullshit. The cabinet full of empty skincare products, the workout equipment, the hair routines, perfumes, the constant practice to overcome the last bit of social anxiety... I hate when clearly mild autistic people especially talk about how easy it is to talk to people and find people they relate to as though it's so fucking easy for any form of autism shut the actual fuck up it shouldn't even be considered a diagnosis to have "mild autism"; in every single way I am a major fuckup at birth and it's ironic how badly people want to say otherwise, while a lot of common examples of people use of a life someone should "ungrateful" be glad they didnt have exactly apply to me fukcihfjijghjipfduhkbnuijkosijnvhbxfnjipuj FUCK IT'S SO FUCKINGG STUPID HOLY SHIT I CAN'T WHY DO I EXIST? I want to rot, I desperately want to but something fundamental is holding me back; for normies it's somehow a "good sign" but it's genuine mental torture, I am really watching myself going insane atp; not even in an ER way but genuine book definition insanity.
My life is a fucking joke brought about by improbable certainty, an absolute paradox just as all life is; if god existed, he must be teetering on the edge of reason and madness. Life is a scam, and we all fell for it.
