There is a war going on inside my head, and I don't know what to do at this point. For most of my life, I've been cheated; cheated out of my childhood, adolescence, and now my adulthood. I've been neglected, abused, gaslit, and bullied, and the cycle would continue to this very day. At the same time, things aren't always so bleak. I have a few friends, a counselor who cares, and a few people who treat me as a human, but... perhaps this makes things worse, as it just leaves me further confused. And that makes it difficult to decide on the best course of action. I have to hold back, just to avoid hurting those who've never meant me no harm. I try my best to please people and make them happy, even when most people are ungrateful, proving themselves to be unworthy of my time and energy.
I was told this shit would end after high school, that if I go to college or go to work, things would be different, and I won't have to deal with what I had to face in the past, but it's as I anticipated and feared, but worse. I'm still treated like I'm invisible, I'm still treated like a lesser person, and I don't even know why. The problem however is that I could be wrong. I don't reach out to people; I just wait for them to come to me. So, perhaps there is a misunderstanding on my part. But either way, I'm feeling increasingly resentful, like I just want them all to just fucking die. But what about the others? I don't want to hurt or turn my back on someone when they've done me no wrong, or weren't truly hostile with me to begin with. But I feel it slipping. I'm about to become a monster. I won't kill, as there is no point in doing that, however, my humanity and everything that makes me who I am will die, and all that would remain is hatred. I guess I'm down to a few options, if happiness isn't an option.
1) Live only on self-interest alone, even go as far as to throw others under the bus in my ruthless pursuit of my goals.
2) Die, to avoid harming anyone.
3) Die, but not before making everyone suffer like I have.
I don't want to do the third option, I'd rather just be able to die in peace with a smile on my face, but I suppose I don't really get to have a say in this. I'm only 24 years old, turning 25 in August, and contrary to what most people believe, living for decades is a pretty long time... hell... living up to 30 is a long time. A long time in which I have to fight my darkest inner-demon, to not be consumed by my wrath, my sadness, my pain, whatever unpleasant feeling that would lead to destruction, as once I go there, there might be no going back. I can see why some people go insane and take extreme measures into their own hands, as they're alone, with little to no social support system. It makes life unbearable. "A child who is not embraced by the tribe will burn down whole village just to feel its warmth."
To all the people who've rejected me and’ve taken me for granted, I want you to know something. Should I ever decide to snap and give into my super-ego/demon, should I ever become indifferent to your woes, or if I ever come up with and execute a plan to fuck you all over in the worst way imaginable, I want you to know that this could've all been avoided had you just gave me the time of day and treated me as someone more than a disposable commodity. You've brought this on yourself.
I was told this shit would end after high school, that if I go to college or go to work, things would be different, and I won't have to deal with what I had to face in the past, but it's as I anticipated and feared, but worse. I'm still treated like I'm invisible, I'm still treated like a lesser person, and I don't even know why. The problem however is that I could be wrong. I don't reach out to people; I just wait for them to come to me. So, perhaps there is a misunderstanding on my part. But either way, I'm feeling increasingly resentful, like I just want them all to just fucking die. But what about the others? I don't want to hurt or turn my back on someone when they've done me no wrong, or weren't truly hostile with me to begin with. But I feel it slipping. I'm about to become a monster. I won't kill, as there is no point in doing that, however, my humanity and everything that makes me who I am will die, and all that would remain is hatred. I guess I'm down to a few options, if happiness isn't an option.
1) Live only on self-interest alone, even go as far as to throw others under the bus in my ruthless pursuit of my goals.
2) Die, to avoid harming anyone.
3) Die, but not before making everyone suffer like I have.
I don't want to do the third option, I'd rather just be able to die in peace with a smile on my face, but I suppose I don't really get to have a say in this. I'm only 24 years old, turning 25 in August, and contrary to what most people believe, living for decades is a pretty long time... hell... living up to 30 is a long time. A long time in which I have to fight my darkest inner-demon, to not be consumed by my wrath, my sadness, my pain, whatever unpleasant feeling that would lead to destruction, as once I go there, there might be no going back. I can see why some people go insane and take extreme measures into their own hands, as they're alone, with little to no social support system. It makes life unbearable. "A child who is not embraced by the tribe will burn down whole village just to feel its warmth."
To all the people who've rejected me and’ve taken me for granted, I want you to know something. Should I ever decide to snap and give into my super-ego/demon, should I ever become indifferent to your woes, or if I ever come up with and execute a plan to fuck you all over in the worst way imaginable, I want you to know that this could've all been avoided had you just gave me the time of day and treated me as someone more than a disposable commodity. You've brought this on yourself.
