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Venting A mixture of desire and disgust for physical contact

L

Lebensmüder

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As a child (in kindergarden/elementary school) I was already a very distant person. I never looked people in the eyes. Mostly my eyes were on the ground and I looked at my hands or at my shoes. I also never tried to initiate physical contact with others (like cuddling with parents/etc.), when others tried to touch me I shuddered or tried to get away as far as possible (sometimes that even nowadays happens in the sense of flinching/recoiling when my parents try to hug me). I unironically wiggled around to get free sometimes. This led to attachment therapy at a very early age (which even worsened the problem because I felt like suffocating at that time, it's considered to be an outdated/harmful method nowadays). I also withdrew at this point in my life already from others. Only when it came about certain topics I would talk with others, apart from that I completely tried to get away from them.
Nowadays I would long for the touch of someone. Especially a hug or holding hands. I never even had a foid in the same room as me on a private basis (happened only on a professional basis). I long for it. But at the same time I feel a certain level of discomfort in everything like that. And I unironically sometimes love being completely alone. Also the same thing with sex: Most of the time I desire it, but then I also feel like I would fail at it and I wanted to hire a whore to try it once, but I delay the date and this increases the anxiety/problems in sexual regards. I rarely have sexual phantasies, mostly I phantasize about stuff like hand-holding/kissing/lying together on a sofa/going to holidays together/walking around the park together/showing her a place I like/etc., really sexual stuff only rarely comes into play, masturbation is mostly a mechanical act for me.
I unironically sometimes don't get what's wrong with me in sexual/emotional regards. The only thing I know is that I am neither asexual, nor a faggot, that I find women (or at least parts of them like curves) sexually appealing, that I long for a relationship with a woman, but know about the surreality of it judging from my sexual/physical/emotional prerequisites and it feels like being torn apart between two complete opposites in the long term:
The longing for it and the knowledge about the surreality of my state/the disgust for everything. I know that I am unable to have a relationship due to many factors (looks: too short, akne; mental: Asperger's Syndrome, being generally distant, being impatient, being immature, being problematic/taxing in many regards like interests, being genuinely angry/hateful/bitter at this point). Fuck everything really.
 
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Based. You probably crave genuine connection more than sexual gratification
 
I can relate to the eye contact/physical contact thing. I think it's the recurring thoughts of hopelessness, not having a sense of belonging, that makes it so difficult to look at your family members in the eye, or being able to accept a hug from them. It's the overwhelming sense of guilt that makes me feel like I don't deserve those basic aspects of human bonding.
 
Not being able to really bond with people in this atomized society contributes to my fear of intimacy.
 
I never even had a foid in the same room as me on a private basis (happened only on a professional basis).
Fucking brutal I can relate, had the same realization last year ...
 

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