I'm getting old lads (I will be 28 next year), and I still didn't manage to become a man, and in spite of all these years of self-reflecting I still don't have the answers I seek. Part of me just wants to stop feeling like a stunted child, still living with my parents, still a virgin who never kissed a woman, still no competence or skill to survive by myself in this world. I have been drowning in an ocean of sloth and nothingness and I don't know what to do to get out of it. My life never changes, all the days are the same, nothing ever happens. I'm getting fatter and my eyesight is getting worse too, sure I could do some exercises or even return to the gym, but what would be the point of that? I've got no one to impress or to give my body to, no physical feat that I am required to do that requires strength, nothing. Imagine a caterpillar that is forever stuck in its larval state, unable to enter metamorphosis and evolve. That's me. Perhaps I shouldn't have chosen solitude back when I was a teen. But did I really have a choice? Back then, I tried to get along with my peers but they never accepted me. It soon became clear to me that I was supposed to be a loner for the rest of my life. But I never expected to end up with such a complete lack of direction or ambition. That's the thing that I loathe the most about myself. Not being able to turn the tables and just, like for once, stop being a fucking sheep. I hoped I would have drawn some power from my resentment toward normals and my own isolation, but I guess I was wrong? I am pathetic as ever, no actually I feel weaker and more vulnerable than my teen self. I never grew up. I never shook off this sense of impotence and ineptitude that always surrounds me. I think I deserve to suffer for not being strong enough. I hope I can keep living like this for another 10, 20, or 30 years until I finally change or die like the worm that I am.
