Cope A Cope That Seems To Work

[PrematureFailure]

A recent cope that I’ve been drawn to is believing that I am nothing. Not only nothing, but below nothing. Not in a condescending pitiful way, but something that should be considered as fact, not necessarily an emotional burden. I was never meant to be born, the fact that I was is by mere miracle, my faults are inherent to me and the life that I live and will always live is because I am a public nuisance. If it were not the considerable humanitarianism within the west and technology I would have been surely ostracized or potentially tortured and killed.

To see my brother live the life I’ve always dreamed of having has left a deep hole in my heart. A pain that would never stop aching, and a life that I believed was truly mine. In fact, it wasn’t. I am here with a half-working brain when in reality, without modern medicine I should be in either a vegetative state or even no state at all (i.e. dead). I’m living a life that was not driven by natural selection but the erratic self-obsessed nature of man. Without this obsession my lineage and others would have been wiped out justly and more fit lineages would have taken their places. What will become of my life after I graduate will be incredibly miserable, but to know that I even stand and breath gives me some sense of satisfaction. I should’ve died and yet I have defied the odds, even if the cards I have now are very subpar. It’s bittersweet I suppose.

 

[PrematureFailure]

I have given up pretending I was meant to be something I was never supposed to be.

 

[hook-nosed trash]

Just watch your life pass by as if it were a movie. Become numb and ignorant to the pains and truths of this world.

 

[PrematureFailure]

Just watch your life pass by as if it were a movie. Become numb and ignorant to the pains and truths of this world.

This. I have probably been suffering from derealization for half of my life at this point. Almost as if it’s some kind of defense mechanism. It didn’t work until I changed my perspective on life. Life isn’t some religious moral battle where evil destroys good or vice versa but instead appears to be more of a convoluted mess that devours anyone who slips or is unsuited for it.

 

[hook-nosed trash]

derealization

I usually just chill at my house but on the semi-rare occasion I have to visit a public space.

Almost every time I go to sams club with my mother the derealization hits me. I walk though the doors and see all these people roaming around like cockroaches, I sometimes stare at their behaviors in awe as if these weren't the same humans I've come to know for the past 22 years of my life. I space out and none of them even seem to be real to me.

I kinda like it when this happens because I feel that it lowers my chronically high inhibition and makes me feel more content being one more sardine in the can.