legit the fact that that there are 40+ year old virgins makes me very...very sad. I feel like im reading a post from myself 20 years into the future, if for some reason i dont muster up the courage to rope before then. Why, just why... why was i even born? To suffer? Is there a god/gods? What does he gain from watching me and men like me suffer. Are our lives nothing more than a form of entertainment for him? Do you guys honestly know what having depression feels like. For me it has a very REAL physical feeling. It comes and goes to me throughout the day. Sometime it feels like someone wearing a boot is standing on my chest and periodically applies pressure. Other times it feels like there is a chunk of ice lodged in the middle of my ribcage, and then i can feel the coldness all over my chest for hours... Imagine having to feel this kind of pain at some point everyday, for the past 10+ years. Thats my life. Ive also lost the ability to cry from my emotions believe it or not. My cat that i've had since kindergarten died in my arms last year. I literally grew up beside her for 13 years of public schooling. Her face would be the first thing i'd see everyday coming back from school, as she would stand by my window. And yet for some reason, i couldnt even bring myself to shed a single tear, there as she laid in my lap, unmoving. I was totally devastated for that whole month, and yet for some reason i couldn't physically show it. Even though i wanted to as crying is the bodies way of relieving emotional stress. So now for the past few years since i haven't been able to cry for some reason, i still go through stressful bullshit daily. I have no other choice but to repress my feelings, somewhere deep down in my conscience. I really just wish i was never born... because my stupid sense of self preservation (cowardliness) prevents me from doing the only thing that will obviously fix my problem.
