I can say this year felt mixed to me, I didn't enjoy it but I didn't have tons of hardships either.
For that I thought I will feel satisfied, but reality settled and I began reflecting, then it destroyed me
One thing that is stuck in my mind currently is that I have achieved absolutely nothing of what I was anticipating or planned for the year before or even during this year.
I didn't get to work for 75% of this year, so it felt like a huge relief but during this year, I planned a gym comeback and dropped it due to a devastating shoulder injury
I planned to build a gaming pc, savings gone and hw prices hiked up
I planned to learn programming, I dropped due to a sudden return to waging which I couldn't refuse due to being low on money and being constantly pressed by my parents (this is why parents play 90% role in fucking up your life) the only thing that was successful is my diet plan, And even that I see failing as I'm slowly gaining weight again
I knew I'm in a point of time where I cannot fix my life anymore, I'm only getting older, 28 year old as an age looked old to me back when I was 22 in college and those who achieved nothing in that age? I percieved them as bums, so I would've percieved my current self as a bum matter of fact each younger me would see the older version of him getting worse and worse than he was.
the kid me would see the teen me as a failure, the teen me would see the college me as a failure, the college me would see the postgrad me as a failure.
If I had an interview with my 18 yo self, he would tell me how it is impossible for him to waste my twenties or how 6 years would pass without me achieving anything.
I am not sure if I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a nobody bum ass npc, it could be worse, always, My brain is slowly and continously degrading and so is my body, I have a resting heart rate of >103 bpms, I have chest pain, I have the lung capacity of a rat, I can't even shoot thick cum anymore and I'm just 28, I am sure if I made a test I would 100% turn out to be infertile, a complete sterilized subspecies, obviously I cannot be fixed anymore thanks to my genetics, parents, and the life those two have brought upon me. I blame everyone and exclude no one, I'm a spiteful soul full of malice, but I just wish all of this goes away with a button press, I wish I can go back all the way to middle school years and do something for myself, anything really.
I wish I took more care or spoiled myself a little more, I wish I enjoyed life instead of just being treated like an ogre and casted out.
For that I thought I will feel satisfied, but reality settled and I began reflecting, then it destroyed me
One thing that is stuck in my mind currently is that I have achieved absolutely nothing of what I was anticipating or planned for the year before or even during this year.
I didn't get to work for 75% of this year, so it felt like a huge relief but during this year, I planned a gym comeback and dropped it due to a devastating shoulder injury
I planned to build a gaming pc, savings gone and hw prices hiked up
I planned to learn programming, I dropped due to a sudden return to waging which I couldn't refuse due to being low on money and being constantly pressed by my parents (this is why parents play 90% role in fucking up your life) the only thing that was successful is my diet plan, And even that I see failing as I'm slowly gaining weight again
I knew I'm in a point of time where I cannot fix my life anymore, I'm only getting older, 28 year old as an age looked old to me back when I was 22 in college and those who achieved nothing in that age? I percieved them as bums, so I would've percieved my current self as a bum matter of fact each younger me would see the older version of him getting worse and worse than he was.
the kid me would see the teen me as a failure, the teen me would see the college me as a failure, the college me would see the postgrad me as a failure.
If I had an interview with my 18 yo self, he would tell me how it is impossible for him to waste my twenties or how 6 years would pass without me achieving anything.
I am not sure if I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a nobody bum ass npc, it could be worse, always, My brain is slowly and continously degrading and so is my body, I have a resting heart rate of >103 bpms, I have chest pain, I have the lung capacity of a rat, I can't even shoot thick cum anymore and I'm just 28, I am sure if I made a test I would 100% turn out to be infertile, a complete sterilized subspecies, obviously I cannot be fixed anymore thanks to my genetics, parents, and the life those two have brought upon me. I blame everyone and exclude no one, I'm a spiteful soul full of malice, but I just wish all of this goes away with a button press, I wish I can go back all the way to middle school years and do something for myself, anything really.
I wish I took more care or spoiled myself a little more, I wish I enjoyed life instead of just being treated like an ogre and casted out.
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