Let's assume you go to hospital because of pains in your body,and after checking you several times doctor tell you you have left two weeks to live and will die two weeks later.What would you do?
I would get depressed cause i know that i wasted my Life and 2 Weeks wont take that regret from me .
I would be begging for 1-2 years longer to live just to make up for my mistakes .
I would probably let go of all the Feelings that have been building up since i was a little kid .
I would cry all day , cause i would understand , that Life is easy and that i just made it hard for myself .
That i should have just done what makes me happy instead of trying to please everyone to fit in with the System and impress people i dont even like to be around .
That i should have focused on trying to become the person I always wanted to be , instead of staring at a fluorescent screen all day , procrastinating , telling myself stories and investing my Ego in Philosophies and Ideologies that complimented my poor Life decisions , cause i was to afraid to risk the View of Life i had established , the Reality i was living in and risk being broken again and having to build myself up from the ground .
I'd regret , that i got comfortable as a Loser and let it become part of who i am , of my character .
I would understand , that i am truly empty inside , when all materialistic things are taken away and that i have become a flawed consumer just like everybody else ,
that i spent years distracting myself from the harsh truths , doing drugs , immersing myself in videogames etc . .
I would accept that
Women/most People may be shallow and a slave to their Instincts ,
but that it is no reason to give up and that i am just as flawed as they are , just in a different way .
That its all just excuses , cause i am being ruled by my Fear and Anxiety .
That there are people out there , who think like me but are too afraid to go out there , be authentic and risk being humiliated like i have been so often before .
You cant find the woods while youre hiding in a tree .
That i tried to hide from the responsibilty all my Life and that i probably deserved everything i got .
That it was my Fault all along .
That it was my Responsibility and that i tried everything to shift the blame , to ease the burden that has been builing up , to distract myself from Reality , cause my fragile Ego couldnt take the Blow anymore .
Yeah , id get all Introspective and shit , all conscious about myself .
I would cry about who i allowed myself to become .
The only thing different right now , is that i know that im not going to die in the near future .
Memento mori .
So i keep walking around this Life as a shadow of the Man i could be , as the person i never wanted to become when i was young , as an NPC in the game of Life .
And thats the problem , i dont think about death , i forget that im getting older and youth fades and all my Regrets and Mistakes are going to get 10 times worse as time flies faster with every passing year .
I would probably get a gun and shoot myself cause i couldnt stand those 2 weeks of accumulated guilt and regret fucking with my head .