I can relate to that. Best part is I think of it in the moment. When I look down and try to pretend I'm watching my phone or whatever when I walk past somebody, I think to myself like why the fuck do I do this but I still feel compelled to do it. It's so annoying because I understand, I rationalized it in my mind and yet It makes no difference lmao like what the fuck it's like I do not even have a choice or say in the matter. Are we mentalcel tier because of this? It's really tiring, I rot at home, I suffer outside, I have no sanctuary man no safe space for me, wherever I go I always feel bad. Let's just say you and I are alike. I also have no friends. Last year I did spend one day as a normie, I went out with some normies from work and we went to a club, etc, we had fun. It was just 1 day I felt like a human being, like everything I missed in life, it was complete. But then I got fired and never met them again so knowing what normal life is like hurts even more.
About drugs; I don't care about mental shit anymore. I think my life has been a great preparation for whatever bad trips are out there. I wouldn't even mind bad trips, my life is a fucking bad trip, being stuck in a bed crying at night feeling like somebody is impaling my chest from all the mental pain, fuck that bro rather have a bad trip on drugs than this shit.