When I was 20 I started to realise no one will ever love me, I will never have a gf, sex, a good job, a good life, my parents hated me and I started having problems with my teeth so I just wanted to end it.
First attempt, 2nd July 2018 in the forest: Helium bag, didn’t work, maybe because jews are putting some oxygen in it or some leaks idk. I thought, suicide is going to be easier and I started panicking and cutting my arms with knife. Couldn't cut deep enough and after a few minutes I realised I made a big mistake, because everyone now could see what I did. I was masking it with my mom's makeup for a few weeks.
Second attempt, end of July 2018 at home: Helium different brand, hyperventilating and took a few helium breaths in the bath and then put my head underwater, it was taking so long, maybe even 3-4 minutes and I got bored. Without helium I can only hold my breath for 30 seconds. Don't know what the fuck happened.
Third attempt, 3rd September 2018 in the forest:
Tried partial hanging multiple times (it worked partially haha) I passed out, but I always woke up standing somehow.
I had some very bad backup methods
Potassium chloride with lidocaine: I tried, but couldn't do that.
Caffeine: took 10g and threw everything up.
I wanted to die so much, I didn't know what to do. Then I started pouring whiskey in my ass, but I pussied out. It was getting dark so I tried to fall asleep, but I was shaking so much from the caffeine I couldn't. It started raining. I was wet, cold and wanted to die even more. Unfortunately it was the end of summer and I didn't die from hypothermia.
I went home the next day, told my mom I was at friend's house.
Never told my family or friends about these attempts.
Some methods were dumb I know, but you can't even imagine how I felt when I couldn't even fucking kill myself.
