L
I cannot really keep a conversation with most people and live in my own world. I have literally only a few topics where I have even a tiny bit of interest and still everyone with better knowledge could mog me when it comes to them because I am not as smart as them. I don't want to say anything, but when someone talks to to me and hits a nerve some inner barrier breaks and everything starts to spill out.
I am literally a repetitive loop with few dialogue options: Mostly fringe politics, war crimes, criminology/forensic science and biological/medical stuff (like animals, some bacteria, hereditary diseases, toxicology and parasites) - and I also tend to send this shit to everyone as soon as that person feigns the slightest interest. I know that I shouldn't do this shit, but it's an irresistible desire for me, I do something in the heat of the moment due to an irresistible impulse and have shame for it afterwards.
My only remotely normal interests are horror/thriller films (especially trashy ones like Sharktopus or those based on a true story) and animal documentaries (and I am also obsessed with some of them to a cringeworthy degree like with an old documentary about Montpellier snakes called the "King of Provence"). An interest in films/documentaries isn't abnormal, but they way how I obsessively talk about them makes it abnormal.
I consciously know that I should stop doing this shit, but when there's enough small talk I sperg out because of these subjects (especially when there is alcohol involved). When I try to suppress these thoughts, they become even stonger (even with psychosomatic consequences) and I cannot get new interests because I am not a good learner, the more I try to surpress them the stronger they get, it feels like I am a driver who knows that he has lost control over his car. Also the manner how I talk changes: I am normally a bit slow in the head and have trouble finding words (difficulties to adapt when something unexpected happens), but then my speech becomes hasty, robotic, far too fast and far too loud. I also have the same problem with compulsions in written form. Most social interactions I know are from books/films and therefore my vocabulary is also extremely strange.
I always had this problem since childhood days, I talked obsessively about some shit on the TV that nobody was really interested in in school and was obsessed with a documentary about african snakes (with a bonus movie about Queimada Grande) and another documentary about carnivorous plants for years, I routinely watched them every week/month for years in my childhood. In my adult years I had the same problem with a documentary about oarfish for about a month.
I have the absolute desire to talk to someone about these subjects, but I cannot befriend anyone on the Internet due to severe paranoia/fear and irl I have only coworkers or a hangout on the Internet I like to visit, I am high-inhib most of the time and become low-inhib in the worst possible moments. Does anyone of you also have some niche interests (don't fear going into detail, I don't mind reading about that stuff) or similiar problems?
I am literally a repetitive loop with few dialogue options: Mostly fringe politics, war crimes, criminology/forensic science and biological/medical stuff (like animals, some bacteria, hereditary diseases, toxicology and parasites) - and I also tend to send this shit to everyone as soon as that person feigns the slightest interest. I know that I shouldn't do this shit, but it's an irresistible desire for me, I do something in the heat of the moment due to an irresistible impulse and have shame for it afterwards.
My only remotely normal interests are horror/thriller films (especially trashy ones like Sharktopus or those based on a true story) and animal documentaries (and I am also obsessed with some of them to a cringeworthy degree like with an old documentary about Montpellier snakes called the "King of Provence"). An interest in films/documentaries isn't abnormal, but they way how I obsessively talk about them makes it abnormal.
I consciously know that I should stop doing this shit, but when there's enough small talk I sperg out because of these subjects (especially when there is alcohol involved). When I try to suppress these thoughts, they become even stonger (even with psychosomatic consequences) and I cannot get new interests because I am not a good learner, the more I try to surpress them the stronger they get, it feels like I am a driver who knows that he has lost control over his car. Also the manner how I talk changes: I am normally a bit slow in the head and have trouble finding words (difficulties to adapt when something unexpected happens), but then my speech becomes hasty, robotic, far too fast and far too loud. I also have the same problem with compulsions in written form. Most social interactions I know are from books/films and therefore my vocabulary is also extremely strange.
I always had this problem since childhood days, I talked obsessively about some shit on the TV that nobody was really interested in in school and was obsessed with a documentary about african snakes (with a bonus movie about Queimada Grande) and another documentary about carnivorous plants for years, I routinely watched them every week/month for years in my childhood. In my adult years I had the same problem with a documentary about oarfish for about a month.
I have the absolute desire to talk to someone about these subjects, but I cannot befriend anyone on the Internet due to severe paranoia/fear and irl I have only coworkers or a hangout on the Internet I like to visit, I am high-inhib most of the time and become low-inhib in the worst possible moments. Does anyone of you also have some niche interests (don't fear going into detail, I don't mind reading about that stuff) or similiar problems?
