D
As I probably already said billions of times in this forum: I like nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have no hobby, no activity I like, I'm extremely lonely, I have no friend, no one who loves me, no one who cares about me or to care about, no sense of purpose, no reason whatsoever to wake up in the morning, I rarely get out of my house and never socialized in years, etc.
But that's not even the worst part about my life.
The worst part is that, I can't do what I'm supposed to do, because I can't find the necessary willpower to take action.
I'm supposed to study, to go to college, get a degree, and get a good job, and my ancestors (parents, grand-parents, etc.) pretty much all have or had high-paying jobs and university diplomas.
But everything looks like I'm destined to end up being the ultimate loser of my bloodline. I'm too weak physically and mentally for a dead-end minimum wage job, too heavily addicted and dopamine-fried to study, and too ugly to realistically not die a virgin. If I continue this path, I'm going to die as a love-deprived, homeless person full of shame and with no self-esteem. My only hope is to get an office job, because again I'm too weak physically to do anything physical, but I did very good at all exams I completed so far and there seems to be a history of above average IQ in my bloodline.
I don't want to end like that ultimate loser, obviously. I want to avoid that, to study, to get degrees. But I have zero motivation and zero discipline. I heard so many times people telling me "you need to get sad and furious at yourself for being such a loser and use the anger and sadness as a fuel to do the right things" but the problem is that, I feel ZERO emotion. Yes, I say I want to change, but in reality I have zero emotion associated with it. Not even anger or fear. I can't get angry myself, I swear I tried millions of times to feel that way...
And tbh, I feel nothing deep down inside, I don't feel like I absolutely have to study, tried making me feel that way but never worked, so instead I always return to my old habit of NEETmaxxing & LDARmaxxing.
Also, my parents are just making things WORSE. They seem to have zero empathy for me and keep harshly judging me for being this way. They're clearly indicating to me that I'm not entitled to be depressed or lonely and complain about anything because according to them I have no reason to be in pain since I have a roof above my head and food and anything I need to survive. In fact, according to them I'm not even entitled to have any negative thoughts of bad feelings in my life, ever. They're just trying to make me study by all cost by shouting at me, insulting me and beating me. It's not effecting at changing my behavior or at making me feel better, though.
Why can't I escape my addictions? Why do I feel so empty inside? Why all my attempts to feel any emotion, motivation or to get disciplined always fail?
Why am I such a loser? What's missing for me? What's the one thing I need to solve all of these problems but that I can't find? Why none of my attempts to get up from this state are successful? Why even the extreme possibility of ending as a shameful homeless person isn't enough to make me angry or get me out of this state?
I'm CONVINCED roping is my only option, because I'm in the state described above since roughly 5-6 years.
I can't even IMAGINE not being like this, like I COMPLETELY forgot how it is to not be like this, it's part of my identity at this point.
But that's not even the worst part about my life.
The worst part is that, I can't do what I'm supposed to do, because I can't find the necessary willpower to take action.
I'm supposed to study, to go to college, get a degree, and get a good job, and my ancestors (parents, grand-parents, etc.) pretty much all have or had high-paying jobs and university diplomas.
But everything looks like I'm destined to end up being the ultimate loser of my bloodline. I'm too weak physically and mentally for a dead-end minimum wage job, too heavily addicted and dopamine-fried to study, and too ugly to realistically not die a virgin. If I continue this path, I'm going to die as a love-deprived, homeless person full of shame and with no self-esteem. My only hope is to get an office job, because again I'm too weak physically to do anything physical, but I did very good at all exams I completed so far and there seems to be a history of above average IQ in my bloodline.
I don't want to end like that ultimate loser, obviously. I want to avoid that, to study, to get degrees. But I have zero motivation and zero discipline. I heard so many times people telling me "you need to get sad and furious at yourself for being such a loser and use the anger and sadness as a fuel to do the right things" but the problem is that, I feel ZERO emotion. Yes, I say I want to change, but in reality I have zero emotion associated with it. Not even anger or fear. I can't get angry myself, I swear I tried millions of times to feel that way...
And tbh, I feel nothing deep down inside, I don't feel like I absolutely have to study, tried making me feel that way but never worked, so instead I always return to my old habit of NEETmaxxing & LDARmaxxing.
Also, my parents are just making things WORSE. They seem to have zero empathy for me and keep harshly judging me for being this way. They're clearly indicating to me that I'm not entitled to be depressed or lonely and complain about anything because according to them I have no reason to be in pain since I have a roof above my head and food and anything I need to survive. In fact, according to them I'm not even entitled to have any negative thoughts of bad feelings in my life, ever. They're just trying to make me study by all cost by shouting at me, insulting me and beating me. It's not effecting at changing my behavior or at making me feel better, though.
Why can't I escape my addictions? Why do I feel so empty inside? Why all my attempts to feel any emotion, motivation or to get disciplined always fail?
Why am I such a loser? What's missing for me? What's the one thing I need to solve all of these problems but that I can't find? Why none of my attempts to get up from this state are successful? Why even the extreme possibility of ending as a shameful homeless person isn't enough to make me angry or get me out of this state?
I'm CONVINCED roping is my only option, because I'm in the state described above since roughly 5-6 years.
I can't even IMAGINE not being like this, like I COMPLETELY forgot how it is to not be like this, it's part of my identity at this point.
