It typically starts with a lingering sadness, but eventually I get to the point of feeling suicidal. I'm convinced that being bullied and rejected throughout life has done this to me(considering that I've been this way since I started getting tormented everyday as a child), even if it's true that I have a tendency to evaluate things and be honest with myself, perhaps too much so for my own good, it's only when I think about my life or myself that I begin to feel particularly bad.
The main problem is that not everything works as a good distraction for me. Anime for instance, well that's a mixed bag. If I'm engaged with the plot and it doesn't make me think about myself, then usually it works. But seeing happy people, even seeing imagery of happy people really tends to bother me, and I've been this way for years. It's not as if it just annoys me or something, I mean it can be so bad that I'll feel physical pain, which is part of the reason why I don't like leaving my house. So when I'm watching a show, I basically don't know whether or not it's going to be suifuel. Typically military oriented stuff, or shows that are all action are good for me, but in general with anime, I never entirely know if a new show is going to make me feel better or worse, same thing with manga and all other forms of media.
Video games work well, or at least they used to, but I just don't have as much interest in playing/learning new games anymore. I still play all my favorites, but I can only play the same games so many times before they become stale(I mean I have 1000s of hours playing CKII alone ffs). Books are generally good, but I don't always have the motivation to read. The only thing that pretty consistently helps me is visualizing/spending time with my waifu. However, the problem is that lately doing so just seems to make everything else feel even worse, perhaps by comparison. I don't want to wake up, I don't want to stuff my face with food, I don't want to work, I don't even want to move. I look at my body, I look at the world around me and I really don't want to be here anymore. I want to fall asleep tonight and never wake up. I wish I could have some sort of accident and die very quickly, and that way I wouldn't know it's coming. I don't have it in me to kill myself while my parents are still alive.
I just seem to feel worse every year, copes don't work as well, and I feel less and less willingness to continue this existence. The only thing that I actually still want to do is play a couple upcoming games that still interest me, and I don't want to feel pain, but beyond that, I have more or less no desires that I actually have the capacity to fulfill.
The main problem is that not everything works as a good distraction for me. Anime for instance, well that's a mixed bag. If I'm engaged with the plot and it doesn't make me think about myself, then usually it works. But seeing happy people, even seeing imagery of happy people really tends to bother me, and I've been this way for years. It's not as if it just annoys me or something, I mean it can be so bad that I'll feel physical pain, which is part of the reason why I don't like leaving my house. So when I'm watching a show, I basically don't know whether or not it's going to be suifuel. Typically military oriented stuff, or shows that are all action are good for me, but in general with anime, I never entirely know if a new show is going to make me feel better or worse, same thing with manga and all other forms of media.
Video games work well, or at least they used to, but I just don't have as much interest in playing/learning new games anymore. I still play all my favorites, but I can only play the same games so many times before they become stale(I mean I have 1000s of hours playing CKII alone ffs). Books are generally good, but I don't always have the motivation to read. The only thing that pretty consistently helps me is visualizing/spending time with my waifu. However, the problem is that lately doing so just seems to make everything else feel even worse, perhaps by comparison. I don't want to wake up, I don't want to stuff my face with food, I don't want to work, I don't even want to move. I look at my body, I look at the world around me and I really don't want to be here anymore. I want to fall asleep tonight and never wake up. I wish I could have some sort of accident and die very quickly, and that way I wouldn't know it's coming. I don't have it in me to kill myself while my parents are still alive.
I just seem to feel worse every year, copes don't work as well, and I feel less and less willingness to continue this existence. The only thing that I actually still want to do is play a couple upcoming games that still interest me, and I don't want to feel pain, but beyond that, I have more or less no desires that I actually have the capacity to fulfill.
