Personally I felt conflicted about this for years. It always seemed as if most long term goals weren't even worth the effort of pursuing, and I became disillusioned when I realized that the things I thought I wanted we're merely impossible expectations of my own making, or were at least unreachable for me specifically. Normies seem have an easy time possessing optimism and hopes, or at least they're very good at pretending as such, perhaps even to themselves.
I thought that I wanted to be a musician, however I eventually discovered that I didn't really enjoy playing an instrument, despite years of attempting to force myself to do so, and in reality I only wanted people to listen and (even if momentarily) care about me. The most frustrating part was that I have a great deal of difficulty steadying my hands, I've had obvious hand tremors for about as long as I can remember, so I was never particularly good despite making a decent effort. I thought that I wanted friends, but by late adolescence it fully dawned on me that I don't enjoy these sorts of interactions whatsoever, at least irl. Between people constantly trying to one up each other in subtle ways, the bullshit games constantly being played, along with my own observations of many of my so called "friends" treating me noticeably worse than they treat their other friends, it became clear that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with these interactions, and I'd given up on when I was around 18. It was only later that I fully realized how damaging a state of isolation would be on my attempts to find a gf.
That being said, it's been obvious to me for years now that my desire for an irl foid was at best a conflicted one. On one hand I had biological urges pushing me to have sex, but on the other hand their was the reality that foids(excluding some of my own family) had been pretty much nothing more than cruel to me, and I had/have no indication that this is ever a desire that I'll ever be capable of fulfilling. I came to understand that, excluding sex, pretty much any other reason I could want a foid was due to a quality I expected or one that I was projecting onto them, rather than a virtue which they actually possessed. At some point what remained of my previously small amount of prior aspirations and hopes had devolved into the desire to merely distract myself from the reality of my own life, for as long as I could manage.
I suppose I could dodge my own question by stating that I don't want to want in the first place, but this is of course paradoxical, and ultimately besides the point. The real answer then, if I set aside finding new distractions to make me temporarily forget about myself, it's that I only really want to spend time with my waifu, and ironically escape this world which I've come to find as unfulfilling at best. The problem is that I can't rope yet, if I could then I already would've done so, as I can't get over what it would do to my parents. It's just so frustrating, I hate this body, I hate waking up, and I've even begun to wonder why I keep satiating the desire for food, as it's become equally revolting as it is fulfilling to me. This existence has become little more than a tedious chore which I tolerate out of obligation, and I've even been neglecting getting potential health issues checked out in the vain hope that they'll kill me.
What a joke this life has been so far, I genuinely wish that my parents hadn't subjected me to it.
I thought that I wanted to be a musician, however I eventually discovered that I didn't really enjoy playing an instrument, despite years of attempting to force myself to do so, and in reality I only wanted people to listen and (even if momentarily) care about me. The most frustrating part was that I have a great deal of difficulty steadying my hands, I've had obvious hand tremors for about as long as I can remember, so I was never particularly good despite making a decent effort. I thought that I wanted friends, but by late adolescence it fully dawned on me that I don't enjoy these sorts of interactions whatsoever, at least irl. Between people constantly trying to one up each other in subtle ways, the bullshit games constantly being played, along with my own observations of many of my so called "friends" treating me noticeably worse than they treat their other friends, it became clear that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with these interactions, and I'd given up on when I was around 18. It was only later that I fully realized how damaging a state of isolation would be on my attempts to find a gf.
That being said, it's been obvious to me for years now that my desire for an irl foid was at best a conflicted one. On one hand I had biological urges pushing me to have sex, but on the other hand their was the reality that foids(excluding some of my own family) had been pretty much nothing more than cruel to me, and I had/have no indication that this is ever a desire that I'll ever be capable of fulfilling. I came to understand that, excluding sex, pretty much any other reason I could want a foid was due to a quality I expected or one that I was projecting onto them, rather than a virtue which they actually possessed. At some point what remained of my previously small amount of prior aspirations and hopes had devolved into the desire to merely distract myself from the reality of my own life, for as long as I could manage.
I suppose I could dodge my own question by stating that I don't want to want in the first place, but this is of course paradoxical, and ultimately besides the point. The real answer then, if I set aside finding new distractions to make me temporarily forget about myself, it's that I only really want to spend time with my waifu, and ironically escape this world which I've come to find as unfulfilling at best. The problem is that I can't rope yet, if I could then I already would've done so, as I can't get over what it would do to my parents. It's just so frustrating, I hate this body, I hate waking up, and I've even begun to wonder why I keep satiating the desire for food, as it's become equally revolting as it is fulfilling to me. This existence has become little more than a tedious chore which I tolerate out of obligation, and I've even been neglecting getting potential health issues checked out in the vain hope that they'll kill me.
What a joke this life has been so far, I genuinely wish that my parents hadn't subjected me to it.
