I left silently during the night 4 years ago and have not seen them since. Occasionally I text with my dad back and forth. Contemplating if I should ever see them again as I still feel animosity to this day:
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Mother
Positives:
• Fed me, bathed me
• Rational minded
Negatives:
• When I'd misbehave with my brother she would beat me. Using her hands she would target my upper arm and back. Sometimes she'd use a wooden spoon and whack me on my upper arm and leg, and it would sting so bad I would cry
• Sometimes as she was beating me she would tell me to kill myself and call me names of animals; "You dog/donkey/goat!"
• I used to struggle with eczema around my face. Once she called me ugly and difficult to look at
• She almost never gave me any physical and verbal affection
• I once created a card for mother's Day. I spent a long time on this. I gave it to her and then found it buried inside the bin some time after. I felt so empty.
• She would always look at me with a cold, emotionless look on her face
• She was very passive aggressive: once I refused her demands to cut my hair as it was barely even medium length. She then stopped talking to me altogether and started ignoring me until I cut my hair
• She would regularly complain aloud about how I spent so much of my time in my bedroom alone like a loser. I felt so embarrassed when my brother and sister would hear that
• I could never confide to her about anything. She just didn't seem approachable or even useful enough to have a conversation about whatever was troubling me.
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Father
Positives:
• Protected, led and provided for the family. Very efficient
• Never hit me
• Everyone respected him and no one told him what to do
• He always found a way to solve any problem
• Traditionally masculine; I used to liken him to a more human version of the Terminator from T2.
Negatives:
• Persistent feeling that I was never good enough and that he was chronically disappointed in me, and it was never made clear what the actual problem was
• Would frequently be disrespectful by my mother and he would just take it
• Would shout at me sometimes to talk louder because I "talked too quickly like a girl"
• He was very masculine but I still came out soft spoken and not very masculine
• Remembered how he used to interact with my cousin sister who was a year older than me. Almost seemed like he wished she was his eldest and that I never existed. I used to think if he'd give me just 25% of that interaction and attention I would be the happiest kid
• As a kid I once stayed at my Grandma's house overnight and he came to collect me. My grandma asked if I wanted to stay over, I
said yes. He wasn't having it and ordered me to get in the car with my belongings. On the way home he unleashed such verbal wrath about how dare I ask my grandma to liaise with him on my behalf. I was so confused and petrified about what he was saying. I didn't understand what was going on.
• I could never talk to him about anything. He would always assume he's right and make me feel like my thoughts were stupid.
-------------
Mother
Positives:
• Fed me, bathed me
• Rational minded
Negatives:
• When I'd misbehave with my brother she would beat me. Using her hands she would target my upper arm and back. Sometimes she'd use a wooden spoon and whack me on my upper arm and leg, and it would sting so bad I would cry
• Sometimes as she was beating me she would tell me to kill myself and call me names of animals; "You dog/donkey/goat!"
• I used to struggle with eczema around my face. Once she called me ugly and difficult to look at
• She almost never gave me any physical and verbal affection
• I once created a card for mother's Day. I spent a long time on this. I gave it to her and then found it buried inside the bin some time after. I felt so empty.
• She would always look at me with a cold, emotionless look on her face
• She was very passive aggressive: once I refused her demands to cut my hair as it was barely even medium length. She then stopped talking to me altogether and started ignoring me until I cut my hair
• She would regularly complain aloud about how I spent so much of my time in my bedroom alone like a loser. I felt so embarrassed when my brother and sister would hear that
• I could never confide to her about anything. She just didn't seem approachable or even useful enough to have a conversation about whatever was troubling me.
----------------
Father
Positives:
• Protected, led and provided for the family. Very efficient
• Never hit me
• Everyone respected him and no one told him what to do
• He always found a way to solve any problem
• Traditionally masculine; I used to liken him to a more human version of the Terminator from T2.
Negatives:
• Persistent feeling that I was never good enough and that he was chronically disappointed in me, and it was never made clear what the actual problem was
• Would frequently be disrespectful by my mother and he would just take it
• Would shout at me sometimes to talk louder because I "talked too quickly like a girl"
• He was very masculine but I still came out soft spoken and not very masculine
• Remembered how he used to interact with my cousin sister who was a year older than me. Almost seemed like he wished she was his eldest and that I never existed. I used to think if he'd give me just 25% of that interaction and attention I would be the happiest kid
• As a kid I once stayed at my Grandma's house overnight and he came to collect me. My grandma asked if I wanted to stay over, I
said yes. He wasn't having it and ordered me to get in the car with my belongings. On the way home he unleashed such verbal wrath about how dare I ask my grandma to liaise with him on my behalf. I was so confused and petrified about what he was saying. I didn't understand what was going on.
• I could never talk to him about anything. He would always assume he's right and make me feel like my thoughts were stupid.
