Feeling like a creep
33 MtFtM here. Long rant ahead.
I detransitioned about a year ago, after 7~8 years of transition, HRT included. I feel like it was a necessary step in growing up, the crystallization of everything that I have learnt during this years. I felt like I was becoming more honest with myself, with my body, with the kid I was and the man I was supposed to become. I transitioned mostly because of a very rocky relationship with my sexuality, with my sex drive, and I feel I mostly wanted to avoid becoming another straight man, another "creep".
During the transition years, I enjoyed both a decreased libido (which make like much easier to deal with), but most importantly, I really felt socially "desiderable". I got involved in the LGBT community, became part of a trans women polycule, and frequented BDSM locals. I had a really weird sexual and romantic life, but a very active one at least.
After detransitioning, all of this has come down. I started seeing many of those relationships as quite fake, and cut some ties on mostly good terms. Dating apps became a dessert after becoming just another guy, and not quite a masculine one at that. Libido shot up, and left me with a much more desperate feeling, quite hard to manage. Right now I'm single, and feeling a bit like shit about myself in general. I feel more honest with myself, yes, but I definitely see myself in a dimmer light now.
There was a relationship that lasted over this process. An ex girlfriend, a bisexual woman that I still fancied a bit. We were together back in my transition, but she showed interest in me and we hooked up a few times after that, even after detransitioning. I always felt quite comfortable with her, and was actually thinking about trying to be a couple again. But we were just messaging and she has told me that she no longer has interest in me sexually. That I'm giving desperate horny vibes, and she's more interested in women right now.
I feel a mix of shit and numbness. I used to be super openly sexual, but I feel like the same amount of sexuality, as a man, becomes just extremely creepy for everyone. I try to keep it under control, to create meaningful connections, but now that I'm trying to be the most honest with the world, who I am is received the worst.
I don't know how to manage all of this. I feel like a pressure cooker. I don't know where to place all of this sexual frustration so that it's not uncomfortable for anyone, so that no one is harmed. I feel like that episode of the "It crowd", moving things on fire so that they are together.
I'm the same dorky horny person I used to be. Why is that no longer acceptable? Have I really changed that much and I'm not noticing it? I just feel lonely and frustrated. I just want to be held again.
I'm sorry for the rant. I don't really have a question, I just needed to write it somewhere.
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