This goes all the way back to my very early years I believe I was around 13 at the time.
My parents fucking hated each other and they would constantly argue all the time.
And me, I was just a happy 13 year old living in la-la land thinking my parents "loved" each other.
Anyway, it came as quite a shock when I saw them arguing all the time even though there were some clear signs that they didn't really love each other (they showed no signs of being intimate with each other at all from as far back as I can remember).
It really fucked me up, because my dad was scary as fuck when he yelled. Like I never heard him yell like that before, and all of a sudden they were just arguing every single fucking day. It was hell. It got to a point where I vividly remember going to my room and shaking with fear almost every week when things really escalated.
And guess fucking what. In my first year of my high school, I found out that my mom was cheating on my dad. Actually, it's a long story, but the TL;DR is my dad had suspicions of my mom cheating and he asked me to try and find out who she was messaging. I'm not going to elaborate on this but I ended up finding out personally.
The news broke to my dad, they ended up getting divorced, and I mostly lived with my dad for the remainder of my high school years (until I left both of them for good, good fucking riddance).
And what was the result of all of this? I didn't realize it at first but looking back it really fucked me up. I used to be a pretty extroverted and generally stress free person as a kid (counterintuitively, not all kids are like this despite popular belief).
But as that shit was going down, I slowly developed severe social anxiety and trust issues and I started having difficulty being around people in general, even in public spaces. Not just that, but I always felt a deep lack of security and an odd feeling of always being in danger. I am not going to claim that ALL of it was strictly caused by what I went through as some of it could have potentially been genetic or the way my brain was wired, but I was never the same person after.
It's crazy how much growing up with STABLE parents that actually love/want each other and are in a GOOD relationship can affect you. I always have this strange lack of security, not necessarily paranoia but always having a feeling that something feels off (I don't feel comfortable, for a lack of a better word).
Biologically, humans are tribe animals. If growing up, your tribe was always fighting each other, your survival instincts go apeshit and you no longer trust the world around you. I feel like if I had parents that showed affection towards each other and I felt like I belonged to a loyal tribe that always looked out for each other, I wouldn't have been this broken and always feeling so vulnerable.
Anyways, the cherry on top is that I also happen to be a fucking incel and I don't even get to have a girlfriend/tribe of my own. Great fucking life. Thank you for bringing me into this world, I really appreciate it.
My parents fucking hated each other and they would constantly argue all the time.
And me, I was just a happy 13 year old living in la-la land thinking my parents "loved" each other.
Anyway, it came as quite a shock when I saw them arguing all the time even though there were some clear signs that they didn't really love each other (they showed no signs of being intimate with each other at all from as far back as I can remember).
It really fucked me up, because my dad was scary as fuck when he yelled. Like I never heard him yell like that before, and all of a sudden they were just arguing every single fucking day. It was hell. It got to a point where I vividly remember going to my room and shaking with fear almost every week when things really escalated.
And guess fucking what. In my first year of my high school, I found out that my mom was cheating on my dad. Actually, it's a long story, but the TL;DR is my dad had suspicions of my mom cheating and he asked me to try and find out who she was messaging. I'm not going to elaborate on this but I ended up finding out personally.
The news broke to my dad, they ended up getting divorced, and I mostly lived with my dad for the remainder of my high school years (until I left both of them for good, good fucking riddance).
And what was the result of all of this? I didn't realize it at first but looking back it really fucked me up. I used to be a pretty extroverted and generally stress free person as a kid (counterintuitively, not all kids are like this despite popular belief).
But as that shit was going down, I slowly developed severe social anxiety and trust issues and I started having difficulty being around people in general, even in public spaces. Not just that, but I always felt a deep lack of security and an odd feeling of always being in danger. I am not going to claim that ALL of it was strictly caused by what I went through as some of it could have potentially been genetic or the way my brain was wired, but I was never the same person after.
It's crazy how much growing up with STABLE parents that actually love/want each other and are in a GOOD relationship can affect you. I always have this strange lack of security, not necessarily paranoia but always having a feeling that something feels off (I don't feel comfortable, for a lack of a better word).
Biologically, humans are tribe animals. If growing up, your tribe was always fighting each other, your survival instincts go apeshit and you no longer trust the world around you. I feel like if I had parents that showed affection towards each other and I felt like I belonged to a loyal tribe that always looked out for each other, I wouldn't have been this broken and always feeling so vulnerable.
Anyways, the cherry on top is that I also happen to be a fucking incel and I don't even get to have a girlfriend/tribe of my own. Great fucking life. Thank you for bringing me into this world, I really appreciate it.
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