Its funny because when I was active here, I'd always tell cope seekers that there's no denying the despair of the blackpill and that their copes would inevitably run out of steam at some point, but then at the repeated coaxing of my dad, I decided to foolishly give hope another chance when I decided to pursue to digital art. I left this place for good, deleting my posts and account. My dad got me a mid-range gaming PC and a drawing tablet, enough to start some basic 3D modeling work, but then as I delved deeper into art, I realized the enormous depth of this field and the pressure has gotten to me. Art which I once used to enjoy has now become a drudgery and struggle,
Also, in the last couple of months, I twice came down with some pretty nasty fever which really weakened me. Now, my chronic health issues are acting up and a new failure in this field seems inevitable, failure which adds to my long list of failures from my days in university. The blackpill thoughts are returning. My illnesses are reminding me just how stupidly subhuman and weak my body is. People like me are not meant to succeed. I'm not meant to have any happiness or fulfillment, just constant meaningless suffering till my inevitable demise.
What hurts in this is the hope. Its the hope of a decent copeful life that raised me up and now I'm being dragged back towards the abyss of my reality. Had I remained disciplined and strict in my blackpill beliefs, I wouldn't have let this poisonous hope get the better of me. I'm not going for another roallercoaster ride anymore. This is it. No more dreams of life, just side plans of death if things get worse.
Also, in the last couple of months, I twice came down with some pretty nasty fever which really weakened me. Now, my chronic health issues are acting up and a new failure in this field seems inevitable, failure which adds to my long list of failures from my days in university. The blackpill thoughts are returning. My illnesses are reminding me just how stupidly subhuman and weak my body is. People like me are not meant to succeed. I'm not meant to have any happiness or fulfillment, just constant meaningless suffering till my inevitable demise.
What hurts in this is the hope. Its the hope of a decent copeful life that raised me up and now I'm being dragged back towards the abyss of my reality. Had I remained disciplined and strict in my blackpill beliefs, I wouldn't have let this poisonous hope get the better of me. I'm not going for another roallercoaster ride anymore. This is it. No more dreams of life, just side plans of death if things get worse.
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