every day is a fucking nightmare. every second I'm not occupied with anime, or dark souls 3 while simultaneously listening to podcasts and asmr videos I am thinking about something from my life and it's all bad. I have to send emails to figure out my college shit and my pathetic ass is agonizing over them and wishing for nuclear war just to avoid them. where the fuck are the government subsidized suicide booths? just attach a combat shotgun to a wire and every time it fires have the floor open up inside the booth leading to a trash chute and sprinklers spray down everything. no mess, no trouble.
I am just fucking DOOMED. It was over my conception. My dumb cunt parents think they can just have kids without considering my life first. I wonder why 3/4 of their children are totally fucked up?? Having children and not ensuring they have a reasonable life is the ultimate sin. They put the burden of living this terrible life or ending it on them. I was barely even raised by parents. I am the youngest, I think they had enough after I was born. I only saw my dad every other weekend after I was 3, and my mother didn't share with me any useful life skills, advice, anything. How could she when she doesn't have any herself and is a literal fucking aspie? I was raised like a fish. I had no fucking parents. I guess it's just as well I didn't see my dad that much or I would have gotten more beatings. It's not like his primitive 3rd world brain could have given me any useful knowledge anyways.
uni was OVER before it began. I wanted to die since 10 minutes into orientation, meanwhile my roommate was fucking his gf every night and the tall white normie frat boy that called the cops on me because he's a paranoid fucking idiot enjoyed his life. I was spending hours at the library and in tutoring to get jack shit done and stressing myself into early balding while frat boy's dumb cunt roommate had an easy time in the same class, and made sure to tell me as much when I mentioned in confidence that I was struggling. So much for me being the "spergy autist" with the """communication issues.""" That asshole has me beat hands down. I was either sitting alone in the dining hall, desperately trying to entertain the few people that would talk to me, or being literally pitysat with the people on my floor, meanwhile everyone else effortlessly fit into their social groups with ease. Going through classes and LIFE with ease.
I wouldn't even have had such a hard time if I wasn't scheduled the 2 hardest starting classes by a dumb bitch who barely spoke English. There I was trying to set my schedule up and asking her if I could take so and so and she lost her patience and told me to take what turned out to be a death sentence of a schedule that only a normie with a social circle of friends taking the same classes and cheating off of each other could do. Funny thing is that the good adviser was right in the same room but he was helping someone else. I am the only one who has these types of ridiculous problems. I don't remember any specific cases but the image of me nervously telling someone about an embarrassing emergency I'm having is ingrained in my mind. A normal person would have just had knowledge of the difficulty of the classes and not blindly trusted their adviser. They would have preselected their classes before orientation which my subhuman self didn't even know was a thing somehow. They would have dropped it and rearranged their schedule during drop/add week. They would have gone through the classes and passed them. Things work out for other people. I just get FUCKED.
Every option in this world for living is hell. slaving away at a minimum wage job is utter hell. trades are hell. uni is hell until you get a job and that might still be hell but at least you can live after that. There is no point in living if I can't pass university. Even if I do, there may be little reason yet if I am still a friendlesss kissless hugless handholdless LIFEless virgin into adulthood after uni. depression makes everything seem impossibly bleak and hopeless because it is. how could I not be depressed? I've had no life just a pale mockery of one.
I am just fucking DOOMED. It was over my conception. My dumb cunt parents think they can just have kids without considering my life first. I wonder why 3/4 of their children are totally fucked up?? Having children and not ensuring they have a reasonable life is the ultimate sin. They put the burden of living this terrible life or ending it on them. I was barely even raised by parents. I am the youngest, I think they had enough after I was born. I only saw my dad every other weekend after I was 3, and my mother didn't share with me any useful life skills, advice, anything. How could she when she doesn't have any herself and is a literal fucking aspie? I was raised like a fish. I had no fucking parents. I guess it's just as well I didn't see my dad that much or I would have gotten more beatings. It's not like his primitive 3rd world brain could have given me any useful knowledge anyways.
uni was OVER before it began. I wanted to die since 10 minutes into orientation, meanwhile my roommate was fucking his gf every night and the tall white normie frat boy that called the cops on me because he's a paranoid fucking idiot enjoyed his life. I was spending hours at the library and in tutoring to get jack shit done and stressing myself into early balding while frat boy's dumb cunt roommate had an easy time in the same class, and made sure to tell me as much when I mentioned in confidence that I was struggling. So much for me being the "spergy autist" with the """communication issues.""" That asshole has me beat hands down. I was either sitting alone in the dining hall, desperately trying to entertain the few people that would talk to me, or being literally pitysat with the people on my floor, meanwhile everyone else effortlessly fit into their social groups with ease. Going through classes and LIFE with ease.
I wouldn't even have had such a hard time if I wasn't scheduled the 2 hardest starting classes by a dumb bitch who barely spoke English. There I was trying to set my schedule up and asking her if I could take so and so and she lost her patience and told me to take what turned out to be a death sentence of a schedule that only a normie with a social circle of friends taking the same classes and cheating off of each other could do. Funny thing is that the good adviser was right in the same room but he was helping someone else. I am the only one who has these types of ridiculous problems. I don't remember any specific cases but the image of me nervously telling someone about an embarrassing emergency I'm having is ingrained in my mind. A normal person would have just had knowledge of the difficulty of the classes and not blindly trusted their adviser. They would have preselected their classes before orientation which my subhuman self didn't even know was a thing somehow. They would have dropped it and rearranged their schedule during drop/add week. They would have gone through the classes and passed them. Things work out for other people. I just get FUCKED.
Every option in this world for living is hell. slaving away at a minimum wage job is utter hell. trades are hell. uni is hell until you get a job and that might still be hell but at least you can live after that. There is no point in living if I can't pass university. Even if I do, there may be little reason yet if I am still a friendlesss kissless hugless handholdless LIFEless virgin into adulthood after uni. depression makes everything seem impossibly bleak and hopeless because it is. how could I not be depressed? I've had no life just a pale mockery of one.
