Yesterday's dream completely ruined me and idk if I'll survive September at this rate, I keep busting into tears every time I don't flood myself with artificial dopamine via music or scrooolling thru random shit online. It wasn't even any massive suifuel by a sub-average person's standards. I only remember a few second snapshot of the dream where I was at some kind of My Little Pony convention and people were nice to me and we were casually chatting, everyone was friendly and, unlike irl, they didn't ignore me or clearly gave me signs they want me gone (if not straight-up insulted). I've been off codeine for like a month now, but I'm seriously considering getting some just to dull the pain.
Fuck sex, I missed even the most basic developmental milestones and I CAN'T EVER GET THAT BECAUSE AT 24 I'M TOO OLD AND MY LIFE IS OVER. I just want childhood friendship, filled with casual play and wonder. I can't even watch My Little Pony content without busting into tears, even going outside is dangerous because literal 8-year-olds on playground (or just on streets) mog the hell out of me.
I can't relive my childhood, teenhood or now even early 20s. At this point I can't pull "oh, I'm just a late bloomer", even if by some magical chance I could live thru some of these experiences, it would be a mere mockery: my body isn't as good as in my teens (I can't run around or eat whatever, because it'll hurt me) and every photo would be reminder that I'm a weird manchild trying his best to relive lost childhood, but it's not the same. Even guys from Brony groups agree that at my age the time of childhood fun is over, it's time to get serious with jobs, wives and shit.
I'll never go on an adventure, never have a sleepover, never discover my true passions and talent, because everyone is mean and unhelpful and my brain (and body from not much choice but rot inside) is probably severely damaged. The worst part is that it would literally cost normies NOTHING not to shit on me, not to reject me. Oftentimes they had much to gain by being friendly. I'm literally so starved for any bit of compassion and humane treatment that I tried joining small cult-ish churches TWICE in hopes of getting love-bombed at least (it didn't happen).
My expectations are so incredibly low and yet it only gets worse. This is a literal hell where EVERYONE is evil and all around me there is only content created by these evil people who wish to shit on everything good and nice. Even the most recent My Little Pony movie trailer (from today or yesterday) confirmed my fear that they'll portray all males as either evil or le funny comedic relief. Males can be either clowns, evil or comedic relief - this is the real life. No one will ever treat me like a real person with emotions. I'll be never able to express myself just because of the way I was born.
There is zero escape besides death.
I live among a violent evil species which only wants to multiply and hurt (even themselves). Unless the humanity goes extinct and gets replaced by a race of friendly ponies, life is not worth living.
My only goal is experiencing friendship and I can't ever achieve that.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpOVpb-Bpyc
Fuck sex, I missed even the most basic developmental milestones and I CAN'T EVER GET THAT BECAUSE AT 24 I'M TOO OLD AND MY LIFE IS OVER. I just want childhood friendship, filled with casual play and wonder. I can't even watch My Little Pony content without busting into tears, even going outside is dangerous because literal 8-year-olds on playground (or just on streets) mog the hell out of me.
I can't relive my childhood, teenhood or now even early 20s. At this point I can't pull "oh, I'm just a late bloomer", even if by some magical chance I could live thru some of these experiences, it would be a mere mockery: my body isn't as good as in my teens (I can't run around or eat whatever, because it'll hurt me) and every photo would be reminder that I'm a weird manchild trying his best to relive lost childhood, but it's not the same. Even guys from Brony groups agree that at my age the time of childhood fun is over, it's time to get serious with jobs, wives and shit.
I'll never go on an adventure, never have a sleepover, never discover my true passions and talent, because everyone is mean and unhelpful and my brain (and body from not much choice but rot inside) is probably severely damaged. The worst part is that it would literally cost normies NOTHING not to shit on me, not to reject me. Oftentimes they had much to gain by being friendly. I'm literally so starved for any bit of compassion and humane treatment that I tried joining small cult-ish churches TWICE in hopes of getting love-bombed at least (it didn't happen).
My expectations are so incredibly low and yet it only gets worse. This is a literal hell where EVERYONE is evil and all around me there is only content created by these evil people who wish to shit on everything good and nice. Even the most recent My Little Pony movie trailer (from today or yesterday) confirmed my fear that they'll portray all males as either evil or le funny comedic relief. Males can be either clowns, evil or comedic relief - this is the real life. No one will ever treat me like a real person with emotions. I'll be never able to express myself just because of the way I was born.
There is zero escape besides death.
I live among a violent evil species which only wants to multiply and hurt (even themselves). Unless the humanity goes extinct and gets replaced by a race of friendly ponies, life is not worth living.My only goal is experiencing friendship and I can't ever achieve that.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpOVpb-Bpyc
