I guess I could just encompass it all as hating life in general. This is a shit existence, this is not life, this is sickness. It's virtually impossible for me to be truly happy. I have pretty much zero experience with hedonic touch, something that most people experience daily and has massive implications as to their quality of life. like, the last time I had so much as a hug I was about 3 or 4 years old and in nursery. That's roughly 29 years... Even though it was an awkwardly reciprocated hug it's still permanently engraved into my memory. Burned into my mind like a brand on a cows ass. Other than that I've nothing.
The only other times I've only really been touched since is when I drink myself into hospital and have to get carried around and shit or when someone assaults me. Yet with the latter, unlike being assaulted by men, if its some chavvy aggressive girl that decides to assault me after mocking me there's this part of me that feels kind of... Good. Like knowing that I made skin contact while so starved always stands out to me no matter what. It's like a brain reflex. My brain ends up absolutely mesmerized.
I hate that I have to live off of manufactured "happiness". As much as I enjoy alcohol and as heavenly as heroin is, they're still manufactured joy. I pretty much have to turn my brain into a dopamine farm to even tolerate existing. I have to fuel addictions so I actually have a reason to wake up. So I have something to actually look forward too. Aside from existing to drink, jerk off and talk to friends online, I don't have any reason to live. I have nothing to look forward too. I'm ultimately not worth shit in this world. Most people decide me to have zero worth upon first glance and many aren't shy about sharing that to me either, and then the slew of mockery coated with malice, directed at how i look will ensue.
I hate that if I don't upload photos of myself to normal websites, I can emulate the life of a normal person. An actual genuine human being. People are more open and willing to talk and are friendly. Yet when i give in and throw a photo in there, i get mocked, blocked or ghosted. I just wish I could have the life of a typical human being instead of my own. Through personality alone things go great. But they can never translate in the real world unless I constantly had my face covered or managed to somehow find 6 figures spare for surgeries.
I hate knowing that the future will be no better. Luckily I don't imagine ill survive much longer the way I'm going. But it's dire knowing that whatever I do, it's just fucking over. I guess the last thing i hate is myself for not being human enough to matter in this world. Being born so defective that I cant even provide myself with a half decent existence. I just need the lights to go out, and then I can finally be at peace.
The only other times I've only really been touched since is when I drink myself into hospital and have to get carried around and shit or when someone assaults me. Yet with the latter, unlike being assaulted by men, if its some chavvy aggressive girl that decides to assault me after mocking me there's this part of me that feels kind of... Good. Like knowing that I made skin contact while so starved always stands out to me no matter what. It's like a brain reflex. My brain ends up absolutely mesmerized.
I hate that I have to live off of manufactured "happiness". As much as I enjoy alcohol and as heavenly as heroin is, they're still manufactured joy. I pretty much have to turn my brain into a dopamine farm to even tolerate existing. I have to fuel addictions so I actually have a reason to wake up. So I have something to actually look forward too. Aside from existing to drink, jerk off and talk to friends online, I don't have any reason to live. I have nothing to look forward too. I'm ultimately not worth shit in this world. Most people decide me to have zero worth upon first glance and many aren't shy about sharing that to me either, and then the slew of mockery coated with malice, directed at how i look will ensue.
I hate that if I don't upload photos of myself to normal websites, I can emulate the life of a normal person. An actual genuine human being. People are more open and willing to talk and are friendly. Yet when i give in and throw a photo in there, i get mocked, blocked or ghosted. I just wish I could have the life of a typical human being instead of my own. Through personality alone things go great. But they can never translate in the real world unless I constantly had my face covered or managed to somehow find 6 figures spare for surgeries.
I hate knowing that the future will be no better. Luckily I don't imagine ill survive much longer the way I'm going. But it's dire knowing that whatever I do, it's just fucking over. I guess the last thing i hate is myself for not being human enough to matter in this world. Being born so defective that I cant even provide myself with a half decent existence. I just need the lights to go out, and then I can finally be at peace.
