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Ok, right at this very moment I should be studying for my pathological physiology exam that I have due in 2 days, but... whatever, I'll take a short break to vent off a bit of the frustration that has been boiling up in me for weeks on end (I fear that all this psychological tension quite profoundly affects my already precarious mental health), and anyway, as if a short pause would so much hurt my memory as of right now.
To begin with, I might very well be claiming that in those very moments I am writing this now to you, I have reached one of those moments in life, where – and I can only describe this sensation very vaguely – that it all somehow makes sense, despite all the disappointment and suffering... A moment of revelation, of peace in this light-starved realm called life. A moment to ponder upon for weeks to come, months maybe, to fall into profane ruminations about the human condition and the ultimate stupendousness and futility of what we call this very limited existence.
It just so came to me… I just realized and dwelled on this frustration, this plague of the mind. It will sound maybe stupid, maybe weak to others, but… it is simply depressing to realize how far behind I am in terms of social, and emotional development in comparison to all of my peers. I mostly heed no attention to this kind of thoughts, but for whatever reason that just so tries to obfuscate its origin, this idea fell just so onto me.
As even my username suggests, I'm 20 years old (a youngcel, that might very well be) struggling like many others at this age with the life of a college student.
But... unlike most 20 year old students, I am profoundly different... The only thing that makes me alike to them is my age and probably my academic status, but beyond that; I'm still stuck way back in 2009.
I have missed out on many of the formative, vital experiences that other young adults had years ago. Unfortunately enough, some of them do not have later-life substitutes. Life experiences that quite literally middle schoolers have already lived through, learned from them and moved on… and I'm just sitting here, trying to analyze what went wrong (most probably it had something to do with the third degree burns that mark my face, TBH, but, honestly, I don't even know anymore, I just may very well be a subhuman for all that concerns me) and no answer comes to a proper and satisfying conclusion. The sadness is that I've reached no further than the social development of some 12-year-old kid, quite literally.
Never kissed a girl. Never held hands. Never had the excitement of going on a date. Never get invited to parties or to hang out. In all truth, I could add more to the list but that's enough information where you could assume the rest of things that I haven't done yet (I don’t even expect myself to even try to justify a reason to talk about anything else, more than what I have just listed).
It just… sucks. To realize that for more than a whole year now, I have just lived all by myself (seriously), surrounded only by my tomes, my music and darkness. I do barely talk to anyone in real life (and even on the internet except for this place, I don't have anything).
Except for going to courses and the nights I work as a paramedic, the only other time I leave this god forsaken apartment of mine are my escapades to the gym, or buying myself food. To speak further and vent about the seriousness of my isolation, the last phone call I received was from my mother, a week ago… she is the only person in the world I still talk to, outside school/learning related issues.
It's so depressing and pathetic to even live my existence in college. During the breaks I mostly end up hearing my colleagues (and gods damn them) as they'll talk about sex, girlfriends/boyfriends (mostly Chad's and Stacy's all around me, TBH), parties, rumors or their plans on when and where to party next. At first, I tried to integrate myself into any group but shortly after I realized that all I can do is sit there in silence because I cannot relate, and thus, I just leave and end up staring at walls or sitting on a bench alone listening to depressive black metal in the park that we have in our campus.
Even if I would try to stir up a conversation with random people form the campus, they just seem to ignore me. The only thing I am asked (out of pure curiosity most certainly), is why do I wear a scarf that covers half my face… when I show them, most people just freak out, and hence stop talking to me altogether, sometimes even leaving all together so as to find another place to stay. It seems that nobody has sympathy for a lonely, disfigured and most probably depressive looking guy.
My life consists of home, university and work. There is nothing else that I can call part of it, for even at the gym, I barely utter one single word (in fact, I doubt it I have even spoken at all with anyone there, for the last 6 months I am going there).
If I can't do anything in "the prime of one's life", how the fuck am I ready for the rest of it?
Someone pass me the rope, please!
To begin with, I might very well be claiming that in those very moments I am writing this now to you, I have reached one of those moments in life, where – and I can only describe this sensation very vaguely – that it all somehow makes sense, despite all the disappointment and suffering... A moment of revelation, of peace in this light-starved realm called life. A moment to ponder upon for weeks to come, months maybe, to fall into profane ruminations about the human condition and the ultimate stupendousness and futility of what we call this very limited existence.
It just so came to me… I just realized and dwelled on this frustration, this plague of the mind. It will sound maybe stupid, maybe weak to others, but… it is simply depressing to realize how far behind I am in terms of social, and emotional development in comparison to all of my peers. I mostly heed no attention to this kind of thoughts, but for whatever reason that just so tries to obfuscate its origin, this idea fell just so onto me.
As even my username suggests, I'm 20 years old (a youngcel, that might very well be) struggling like many others at this age with the life of a college student.
But... unlike most 20 year old students, I am profoundly different... The only thing that makes me alike to them is my age and probably my academic status, but beyond that; I'm still stuck way back in 2009.
I have missed out on many of the formative, vital experiences that other young adults had years ago. Unfortunately enough, some of them do not have later-life substitutes. Life experiences that quite literally middle schoolers have already lived through, learned from them and moved on… and I'm just sitting here, trying to analyze what went wrong (most probably it had something to do with the third degree burns that mark my face, TBH, but, honestly, I don't even know anymore, I just may very well be a subhuman for all that concerns me) and no answer comes to a proper and satisfying conclusion. The sadness is that I've reached no further than the social development of some 12-year-old kid, quite literally.
Never kissed a girl. Never held hands. Never had the excitement of going on a date. Never get invited to parties or to hang out. In all truth, I could add more to the list but that's enough information where you could assume the rest of things that I haven't done yet (I don’t even expect myself to even try to justify a reason to talk about anything else, more than what I have just listed).
It just… sucks. To realize that for more than a whole year now, I have just lived all by myself (seriously), surrounded only by my tomes, my music and darkness. I do barely talk to anyone in real life (and even on the internet except for this place, I don't have anything).
Except for going to courses and the nights I work as a paramedic, the only other time I leave this god forsaken apartment of mine are my escapades to the gym, or buying myself food. To speak further and vent about the seriousness of my isolation, the last phone call I received was from my mother, a week ago… she is the only person in the world I still talk to, outside school/learning related issues.
It's so depressing and pathetic to even live my existence in college. During the breaks I mostly end up hearing my colleagues (and gods damn them) as they'll talk about sex, girlfriends/boyfriends (mostly Chad's and Stacy's all around me, TBH), parties, rumors or their plans on when and where to party next. At first, I tried to integrate myself into any group but shortly after I realized that all I can do is sit there in silence because I cannot relate, and thus, I just leave and end up staring at walls or sitting on a bench alone listening to depressive black metal in the park that we have in our campus.
Even if I would try to stir up a conversation with random people form the campus, they just seem to ignore me. The only thing I am asked (out of pure curiosity most certainly), is why do I wear a scarf that covers half my face… when I show them, most people just freak out, and hence stop talking to me altogether, sometimes even leaving all together so as to find another place to stay. It seems that nobody has sympathy for a lonely, disfigured and most probably depressive looking guy.
My life consists of home, university and work. There is nothing else that I can call part of it, for even at the gym, I barely utter one single word (in fact, I doubt it I have even spoken at all with anyone there, for the last 6 months I am going there).
If I can't do anything in "the prime of one's life", how the fuck am I ready for the rest of it?
Someone pass me the rope, please!
