This is a long post (literally a 3,000-word essay) and probably won’t teach anyone anything they didn’t already know. It is probably a waste of time to read, so do so at your own discretion. If you want, you can just skim though it. It may be entertaining or cringeworthy/funny to some. At the end of the day, this is just another depressed, broken guy venting, wanting his story to be heard.
I’m 5’9, long flat face, no chin, no jaw, (product of horrible allergies as a kid) skinny frame, skinny wrists, balding, brutally bullied in school, social anxiety, no confidence, you name it. I’ve always dabbled in the idea of the black pill and used to browse those Reddits before they got banned, but just like most people I would go into denial and swallow the blue pill instead. Until this happened to me, and I was left with no option but to accept reality for what it is.
Meeting “the girl of my dreams”
I was walking with a friend (very similar physical description as me) to the library after a day in my program. We saw another friend sitting outside with a girl. I had seen this girl around, and always thought she was the prettiest. I always looked at her as someone I couldn’t even dream of, someone way out of my league. Just to be in her presence to me would be an accomplishment. Anyway, my friend approached the two of them and struck a conversation with the girl (he’s known her for years). I spoke idly to the other guy in the group, then suddenly she turned to me and asked me a question about something I was wearing. Mind you, I have never even talked to a girl before in my life (other than for work/school, formalities), so naturally I got very nervous. I blushed bright red and fumbled an answer. I was shocked that she even talked to me. After that interaction, I just thought “Oh well, I showed her how much of a pussy I am. I blew it”.
Every time we would run into her after that, I would sort of avoid her and blush when she talks to me or even comes near me. I just saw myself as inferior. It was horribly disheartening, and I assumed she saw me as a creep by now. But no… this girl would still try to talk to me even though I would give cold replies (out of nervousness), be nice to me, and even asked me to go get a sandwich with her for lunch one time. My stupid fried brain started getting hopeful and thinking maybe this girl liked me. Maybe she saw past my awkwardness and liked my personality. Maybe she liked that I was shy and somewhat “mysterious”. Maybe I had a chance! Oh boy, if only I knew what was in store…
We were basically “friends” at that point, and the three of us (me, her and my friend who’s known her for years) would study together every day. We were preparing for an important exam but none of my focus was on studying and all of it was on daydreaming about this girl. We had a group chat where basically me and the other guy were fighting for the girl’s attention and validation.
After around a month of that, my friend had to travel for some work, so me and the girl were left alone. I was ecstatic about it. Now I could finally have my chance to win her over!
She was perfect to me. Gorgeous face, tight gym body, sweet, caring, didn’t deal with many guys (LOL), religious in the sense that she wasn’t overly promiscuous (LOL). She even told me one day when we were talking that she is “asexual” and has never really thought about sex and would rather just have guys as friends (yet another day she told me that she had “very high standards for guys” and that she found “big” guys sexy, weird).
Soon enough I was transformed into a full on cuck. I would text her good night and good morning every day, pick her up, take her to appointments, to the beach, buy her coffee, lunch, snacks. And at the end of the day, I would drop her off. I was really happy and felt rewarded when she would say stuff like “you’re the cutest, thank you”. I felt like I was making progress with her. She would make me oatmeal for breakfast some days and I would genuinely feel the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life because I felt that someone actually cared about me. It’s sad how little it takes to make us happy…
Chad comes into the picture
She really wanted to introduce me to one of her “friends” for some reason (In retrospect, she probably wanted to show me that I had no chance with her). She suggested we go get ice cream with him. As soon as I met him, I just felt like shit. Just felt like an ant. Handsome face, square jaw, hunter eyes, nice head of hair and beard and super jacked (he was a bodybuilder). If this guy existed in her life, how could I ever compete? She told me this guy is her “best friend” and that she trusts him more than anyone. He took us to get ice cream and was driving in a crazy manner which she seemed to enjoy. She would tell him which cars were bothering her and he would overtake them in crazy ways which she would find amusing. All this time I’m sitting in the backseat sad af knowing that I have no chance with this girl if this guy is around. In my mind I wondered if they were fucking. He was such a high value guy (rich + politically powerful in the shitty 3rd world country we lived in) on top of his good looks, so there was no way he was just simping like me. She wouldn’t be around if he wasn’t fucking her.
Since I couldn’t compete in the looks department, I tried to be nicer to her, buy her more stuff, give her gifts, wait on her more, compliment her more, treat her like a princess etc. I really thought that this type of behavior would get me places. She invited me to her dorm one time (which I was thrilled about) but then proceeded to cry and tell me how that Chad was being too pushy with her and that they had an argument that led to him ignoring her. I offered her sympathy but deep inside I was happy and hoped that this guy would be gone for good. That night we went to the gym (I got to see her amazing body) had dinner and then just talked till midnight, and it was the happiest night of my life even though I never even got to touch her. I thought I was making progress. “Maybe next time I’ll initiate more physical contact and escalate from there”, I would think to myself.
Two days later she invites me over again at 8 PM. When I get there, I unfortunately see that Chad is there as well. She was cooking some dinner, and Chad kept blurting out weird immature sexual remarks like “when am I gonna eat that taco?!” As well as being very touchy with her. He was letting me know who’s boss. She was giggling and seemed to enjoy it. It just broke my heart as I came to the realization that this girl that I love with all my heart is getting fucked by some asshole. After dinner we went to the gym, and as this guy was lifting, she would pose in front of him in her sports bra and tights with her sexy body to give him “motivation”. He would stare at her with lust like he was going to eat her, while pushing heavy weights. I just felt awkward and out of place, and really didn’t know what to do. Seeing all this was just torture to me, and I just felt like shit and wanted to leave. Of course, I played it cool and acted like I was distracted with my own workout. After we were done, she told me to wait downstairs in the locker room because she was going to go to her dorm to shower, and that Chad would come get me when she was done. After around 30 min, Chad comes and leads me to her room, where I collect my stuff and leave. She could have just let me take my stuff and leave before she “showered”, but they just couldn’t wait to fuck and/or got off to the idea that some bitch boy was downstairs waiting for them to finish fucking. Anyway, I got in my car and drove home, crying bitterly due to the covert humiliation I felt and because I felt like I wasn’t truly a man. From then, I started going to the gym very regularly. My dream was to have the physique that Chad did and have this girl look at me with desire. My dream was to be like Chad. I couldn’t just accept that genetics and my face had doomed me.
I said to myself, “she will see what a good caring guy I am eventually, I just have to wait”. So, I continued simping. We would “study” together every day, text all night about stupid topics, and I would offer her validation and help with her problems. My life basically revolved around making sure this girl was happy and that her problems were solved. I started neglecting my own life, skipping my courses and duties, and pushing away family and the few friends I had. She would tell me stuff like “I love you”, “you are the best”, “you’re the best guy I’ve met” and it would make my day. She would also tell me stuff like “you don’t need anybody else you have me” which lead to me devoting everything to her and pushing everyone away. I was left with literally nobody but her. It was worth it in my mind, because I really loved this girl and wanted a future with her. So what we weren’t having sex? That would come later. I could just jerk off as I thought about her for now.
Anyway, this shit goes on for a couple more months, I completely mess up this important exam (limiting my career opportunities) because I never really studied properly even though I had plenty of time. After our exams, she moves to another country permanently to further her career. I was supposed to visit that country in around a month for school purposes, so we talked and planned on me visiting her when I came there. The pen pal texting every day thing continued until it was time for me to go to travel. Chad loaded my bag with a bunch of stuff for her (including a framed photo of him and her together, diamond jewelry and so on), and I was on my way…
I rented a car there even though I had never even been in snow and wasn’t that comfortable driving. In my mind I had to do everything and anything to impress her, especially when Chad was offering her so much. I would drive her to work every morning, bring her Starbucks/bubble tea later in the day, then take her for lunch and drop her off home. Everything was paid for by me, but I had no problem with it because I really loved this girl and I felt like she cared about me as well.
The end game
One night we stopped by a shop to get cookies. As usual, I told her she could stay in the car while I got the food. She agreed but insisted that she wanted to pay this time and gave me her credit card. She told me to just leave my wallet in the car. I laughed and agreed, putting my wallet (which had $2000 in it. Yes, I carry a lot of money around to impress her) in the cup holder of the car. I went and got the cookies. As we were eating in the car, I caught a glimpse of my wallet, which looked oddly slim. Something didn’t feel right, so I grabbed it and felt that it was way lighter than when I had set it down in the car. I took a glimpse inside and could see that there was barely any money in there. I knew something was wrong but didn’t want to alert her or blame her prematurely, so we just continued on. Later that night after I dropped her off, and after I counted my money and saw how much was missing, I texted her. I told her that $1000 had disappeared from my wallet. She immediately started being defensive even though I didn’t even get to the accusation part yet. When I did she adamantly denied it, swearing up and down, saying she is religious and would never do something like this, and calling me a horrible person for even suspecting her and doubting the way she was raised. I got gaslighted to hell and back and started to think that I’m just crazy. I apologized to her, but she wasn’t hearing it, saying that she will not accept this “offense” and doesn’t want to talk to me again. The next day I met her and was crying telling her how much she meant to me, begging her to stay. That’s right, a guy who just got robbed is begging the thief to stay and keep using him. She told me stuff like “you’re not valuable to me anymore” and “I could make more friends like you in a second, I don’t need you” which really hurt. I begged her so much (I even kissed her hand) that she probably felt sorry for me and agreed to try to work on things. For the next couple days, I continued to drive her to work, to appointments, and to buy her food. She now started treating me like a servant and would put literally 0 effort. She would barely even acknowledge or talk to me; she would just chat with Chad on the phone while I was driving her around. Eventually, with a lot of pushing from my friends and family, I grew some balls and blocked her on everything.
She is the winner. She used up all my resources back when we were in our country. When she moved, she stole money from me and then acted offended that I blamed her and cut me off, effectively getting away with her crime scott free. Basically, she drained me of everything and after she moved and I was no longer of use to her, she sucked me dry one last time and tossed me aside to deal with the severe emotional trauma. She never “loved” or even gave half a shit about me. I was just useful. It has been 1.5 months and I still think about her and what happened and cry every day. The saddest part is that I still love her.
I was also too much of a pussy to report her theft to the police. I was in a new country and didn’t know what to do. Now I’m back in my country so it’s too late. It’s not like she picked off a couple hundred-dollar bills, this bitch stole $1000. She didn’t care if it was obvious because she knew she would get away with it by manipulating me. Even if I had gone to the police, she probably counted on there being no evidence of her crime. There is a zero percent chance that I win a court case against a pretty female with zero physical evidence. I was fucked either way. Now I’m back rotting in loneliness and misery while she swiftly forgets that I ever existed. $1000 was literally more valuable to her than a human being. Am I even a human being to her? I don’t know.
Please don’t simp. If you are not attractive, then ignore girls all together. Do not get involved with them at all. If you are lucky the relationship will eventually "fizzle out" and you will be left where you started. If you are unlucky like me you will be left with deep emotional damage, trust issues, non-existent self esteem, and no social circle (I shunned them all for her). If you meet a girl you find attractive, either ask her out or ignore her. There is no "friends". It will not end well for you.
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tl;dr: I was bluepilled and thought I had a chance with a very attractive girl. I was led on and drained of my time, energy, and money for 6 months, was miserable the whole time, blue-balled as fuck, and lost friends as well as opportunities to advance my career in the process. I never even got to touch her while Chad was pounding her the whole time. In the end, when I was no longer useful, I got money ($1000) stolen from my wallet and was essentially told to fuck off.
