On the path to being a 90 - 100 year old virgin. But thinking about this outcome doesn't hurt me anymore. I have accepted my probable fate, embraced it.
I have never had one real friend in my life. Never one true connection with another human being who isn't a family member.
And it looks like this isn't going to change. Society and it's values are incompatible with my own. I have shunned the entire structure of human relationships. The hierarchy upon which all of society is placed, is now a target of my personal ire.
Surrounded by people who believe firmly in the values of capitalism and democracy, I am a hardline Communist who believes in one party rule. The bourgeois values of society reinforce my own isolation, fueling my lifelong hatred for basically everyone. My ideological system is becoming more radicalized every day.
Once, I weakly tried to join society. I tried going to a club for young people - a Christian youth ministry. https://www.younglife.org/Pages/default.aspx
But the club represents everything I despise about humanity and the structures it has created. False religions, moral values based on an illogical ancient book, self - delusion and willful ignorance.
I didn't speak to anyone in the club willfully. They quoted the Bible and I sneered a bit. They all sang along to pop music, too. They are conformists, and conformity is only natural for humans. But I am not like most people.
They are the kinds of people who love Donald Trump because Donald Trump is who their friends love. Donald Trump is just like Jesus. He doesn't make logical sense, but what he says and does line up with the worldview of Evangelical Americans and that is what truly matters in politics. Group identification, in - group VS out - group tribalism.
I'll never be like them. Every day I go further and further into new realms of knowledge and information, instead of just sitting around and obeying the dominant social norms of society. The Bible might be enough for them, but it isn't for me.
By not conforming, I am resisting as best as I can. By not giving in to social domination by the majority, I revolt against the very nature of what it means to be a member of the human species, but because I am disgusted with humanity, I continue committing social self - harm. If I can't make all humans suffer in the name of equality, the only other option is squandering myself. Contributing to the human hierarchy through participation in society, through making friends and incorporating the social norms and mores into my own thought, would be a betrayal of my own ideological values.
I'll never give up the fight. I'll continue beating myself, in a masochistic frenzy, desperately trying to harm other humans, but too afraid to inflict unequal harm, like mass shooters. They didn't understand, harming only a few humans does nothing, you must eliminate the entire species to inflict real, justifiable damage which makes everyone equal.
If I could press one button to instantly kill every human, in the name of Communism and equality I would press the button. The unnatural world full of inequalities is what I despise the most, with many people starving and others feeding themselves to morbid obesity.
But, contradictorily because I believe in equality and placing the well being (complete equality) of other people above my own, I can't do much besides inflicting self harm and reducing my utility to society.
If I can't force everyone to be equal, self destruction is my only option. Pretty much every angry mass shooter was in the end "protesting" against the inequalities of society in a very violent way - they wanted what almost everyone else has but they, due to mental illness or other problems beyond their control, were unable to get.
Peaceful protests for more equality like expanding healthcare systems, taxing the rich more, and more extreme socialist movements like the Maoists, share basic, fundamentally primitive values with psychotic mass shooters who killed in the name of getting sex. Equality. Make humans more equal.
But in the end, making a few populations more equalized than others just makes the whole of humanity less equal. If America adopted a complete Socialist system tomorrow, Americans would be even better off compared to miserable people starving in 3rd world nations than they are right now. Complete genocide of the human species is the absolute only way to achieve Communism.
