D
I'm just writing to say that I am glad to have stumbled upon this forum. I am in very similar life position and seem to share the same 'eccentric' paradigms and value metrics. Your life tales and cultivated beliefs resonated so strongly with me that I felt compelled to create an account here just to reach out to you guys.
I too constantly find myself between grandeur and inferiority; unsure if I’m special or worthless. We live in binary worlds void of the fuzzy ‘grey area’ that others are content in. We are the ‘all or nothing' guys. Maybe we are a bit ‘spergy and are in some deluded denial, just like the kids who devote their lives to an obsession with steam trains or whatever. It’s not that we lack extrospective or comparative reasoning ability, but rather that we aren’t concerned with the typical aspirations, hobbies and life values of our neurotypical peers. Perhaps it’s that we don’t feel ready for these yet. We might care about shiny cars and nice houses once we are beautiful, but that box must be ticked before we are adorned with gold watches and tailored clothes. The idiom ‘polishing a turd’ comes to mind when I see some bald fool whizz by me in his Gallardo. Beautiful and homeless > average and rich.
The notion that very few people in this world openly agree with this life view is perplexing to me, just as it surely is from the point of view of the steam train kid. A crazy person never believes they are crazy, as personal experience is the only true reference point any person has; everyone else could be imagined figments for all anybody knows; cogito ergo sum etc… anyway, instead of wasting our short lives arguing with ourselves and others on what’s ‘right’ and what we ‘should’ desire, let’s just go after what we know we want: beauty and love. One cannot exist without the other in our strange minds. So be it.
I know there’s some contradiction in that last line, for me, at least. I find myself falling into deep limmerence with objectively sub-6 girls, who manage to be 9+s to my subjective consciousness, even if my rational brain realises that their pogonion: philtrum ratio is off or whatever, and that most males wouldn’t be attracted to them. I realise that the same could be possible for me, and that a female might somehow find my face exceptionally attractive for whatever cultivated reasons (a theory could be genetic recomposition, that her genes + my genes = healthy offspring?), but it strikes me as being extremely improbable. Therefore, I know my best bets are to become as generically attractive as possible, ie: to become Francisco Lachowski-tier; broad and true appeal across 99% of human opinion.
I don’t know about you, but my personal obsession with looks has its roots hooked somewhere deep in my childhood. It’s a worn-out cliche that I never really thought applied to me, but perhaps the absence of a father figure is somewhat to blame (if there’s even a need to ‘blame’, or if this pursuit of ours is even ‘bad’ or incorrect (though it’s surely incongruent)). Issues of abandonment are said to create an inferiority complex, and I realise that that is what my consciousness is truly based upon, and that most actions I make stem from the understanding that I am somehow ‘not good enough’, spliced with some megalomanic and contradicting illusions of grandeur from being told I was ‘special’ all the time.
I am disturbed by uncertainty, but something that is definitely certain and universally true is beauty. I’ve been enthralled by beautiful males for as long as I can remember. It’s not the same as seeing a beautiful female, as they are pretty much equally bangable past the 6+ stage for me (unless that crazed subjective ‘one-it-is’ thing happens). When a tall, perfectly formed male steps into the room I am just in awe. I am so clearly inferior to him and none of my achievements could ever compensate. I done all this shit, I’m a professional artist, I’ve come so far and done so much, but it means shit-all at the end of the day.
In a society where males compete with each other to be chosen as he-men by females, one of the best things a mother can do for her genes is to make a son who will turn out in his turn to be an attractive he-man. If she can ensure that her son is one of the fortunate few males who wins most of the copulations in the society when he grows up, she will have an enormous number of grandchildren. The result of this is that one of the most desirable qualities a male can have in the eyes of a female is, quite simply, sexual attractiveness itself...
I too constantly find myself between grandeur and inferiority; unsure if I’m special or worthless. We live in binary worlds void of the fuzzy ‘grey area’ that others are content in. We are the ‘all or nothing' guys. Maybe we are a bit ‘spergy and are in some deluded denial, just like the kids who devote their lives to an obsession with steam trains or whatever. It’s not that we lack extrospective or comparative reasoning ability, but rather that we aren’t concerned with the typical aspirations, hobbies and life values of our neurotypical peers. Perhaps it’s that we don’t feel ready for these yet. We might care about shiny cars and nice houses once we are beautiful, but that box must be ticked before we are adorned with gold watches and tailored clothes. The idiom ‘polishing a turd’ comes to mind when I see some bald fool whizz by me in his Gallardo. Beautiful and homeless > average and rich.
The notion that very few people in this world openly agree with this life view is perplexing to me, just as it surely is from the point of view of the steam train kid. A crazy person never believes they are crazy, as personal experience is the only true reference point any person has; everyone else could be imagined figments for all anybody knows; cogito ergo sum etc… anyway, instead of wasting our short lives arguing with ourselves and others on what’s ‘right’ and what we ‘should’ desire, let’s just go after what we know we want: beauty and love. One cannot exist without the other in our strange minds. So be it.
I know there’s some contradiction in that last line, for me, at least. I find myself falling into deep limmerence with objectively sub-6 girls, who manage to be 9+s to my subjective consciousness, even if my rational brain realises that their pogonion: philtrum ratio is off or whatever, and that most males wouldn’t be attracted to them. I realise that the same could be possible for me, and that a female might somehow find my face exceptionally attractive for whatever cultivated reasons (a theory could be genetic recomposition, that her genes + my genes = healthy offspring?), but it strikes me as being extremely improbable. Therefore, I know my best bets are to become as generically attractive as possible, ie: to become Francisco Lachowski-tier; broad and true appeal across 99% of human opinion.
I don’t know about you, but my personal obsession with looks has its roots hooked somewhere deep in my childhood. It’s a worn-out cliche that I never really thought applied to me, but perhaps the absence of a father figure is somewhat to blame (if there’s even a need to ‘blame’, or if this pursuit of ours is even ‘bad’ or incorrect (though it’s surely incongruent)). Issues of abandonment are said to create an inferiority complex, and I realise that that is what my consciousness is truly based upon, and that most actions I make stem from the understanding that I am somehow ‘not good enough’, spliced with some megalomanic and contradicting illusions of grandeur from being told I was ‘special’ all the time.
I am disturbed by uncertainty, but something that is definitely certain and universally true is beauty. I’ve been enthralled by beautiful males for as long as I can remember. It’s not the same as seeing a beautiful female, as they are pretty much equally bangable past the 6+ stage for me (unless that crazed subjective ‘one-it-is’ thing happens). When a tall, perfectly formed male steps into the room I am just in awe. I am so clearly inferior to him and none of my achievements could ever compensate. I done all this shit, I’m a professional artist, I’ve come so far and done so much, but it means shit-all at the end of the day.
In a society where males compete with each other to be chosen as he-men by females, one of the best things a mother can do for her genes is to make a son who will turn out in his turn to be an attractive he-man. If she can ensure that her son is one of the fortunate few males who wins most of the copulations in the society when he grows up, she will have an enormous number of grandchildren. The result of this is that one of the most desirable qualities a male can have in the eyes of a female is, quite simply, sexual attractiveness itself...
