As I get closer and closer to turning forty, the sense of realizing how alone, unsuccessful, and clearly unlovable I truly am is becoming more and more amplified. I now know I am at the point of no return, where no woman of any age will want anything to do with me. Younger women will simply think I'm a creepy old guy, and women closer to my age that are still single are becoming increasingly rare. Seeing families and couples everywhere I go is starting to become unbearable to the point where I literally wake up not wanting to be alive. I'm becoming more and more of an emotional wreck over stupid shit. A week ago I woke up in the morning after drinking heavily and threw up a bunch of xanax and klonopin I don't even remember taking and passed out again, and when I woke up and realized I could have died but didn't, I literally started crying because I realized that I still have to continue existing in this brutal and uncaring world, despite the fact that I'm losing the will to, bit by bit. I would never take my own life because suicide is a sin and the chickenshit way out, but truth be told, I find myself slowly, but surely losing the will to live, and more often than not, secretly hoping that the more reckless and unhealthy aspects of my life finally catch up to me and put me out of my misery. Thanks for listening guys, it really does mean alot to me to know that there are people I can say these things out loud to and not bottle up and let eat me inside...
