yea i couldnt hold my promise of not being here.
being exposed to the real world with no safe space has almost driven me insane for only two days.
i am absolutely sickened with this dunya. adulterers, slanderers of the prophet saw, millionaires, uncovered women, all roam freely as a master in this country. they have full democratic rights and face no legal punishment. it isnt illegal to swear, it isnt illegal to view pornography, it isnt illegal to withhold massive amounts of wealth when there are people freezing and starving on the street of the city. this land is the land of sickness and kufr.
how is it even possible for true honor and dignity to be so unrevered by a society? how have they deluded it to think that they are honorable?
i am so offended everywhere i go. i am angered, unfortunately.
it is so incredibly difficult to go monk mode. i will keep trying and trying until i am able to be content with this. the only way i can feel perfectly content like rasulAllah saw is by thinking how he did. when he knew of an adulterer his heart rate did not even go up. how do i get to that point? when i see an uncovered woman my heart rate goes to 150 bpm (i measured).
the position i am in cannot be changed, perhaps i wont get a wife.
Muhammad Ali said in a speech, (paraphrasing), "I divorced my wife, i dont see my kids no more. they call another man daddy. You think your wife is yours? Go die, come back to the world and take a look into your bedroom and see her with another man now that you're gone. You think your wife is yours?"
it took that speech to realize, that even in ISLAM, monogamy and caring for the other person beyond our desires are almost unseen. it makes me feel so sad and horrible. that EVEN IF, EVEN IF I managed to get to the point where a woman who follows this deen and likes me, i will never be special enough to her.
on the other hand, if my wife died, i would never lay with another woman. the specialness we had, how could anything even amount to it? it would simply be settling. i would rather only remember her, and have our children remember her and to honor her, not call another woman mommy.
does another woman think like that, what i just wrote above? i honestly think jahanam would freeze over before an example like this would happen to me.
but me feeling upset about that is me caring about this dunya. i thought marriage was special, that marrying a niqabi was end game of this dunyas desires. far from it. i need to let go of this worldly life, and only want to be with Allah SWT. i dont know how it will feel with Allah, it MUST be better than a wife. it is beyond my comprehension, which is why i fear this so much.
SubhanAllah, i hope i am forgiven for everything.
being exposed to the real world with no safe space has almost driven me insane for only two days.
i am absolutely sickened with this dunya. adulterers, slanderers of the prophet saw, millionaires, uncovered women, all roam freely as a master in this country. they have full democratic rights and face no legal punishment. it isnt illegal to swear, it isnt illegal to view pornography, it isnt illegal to withhold massive amounts of wealth when there are people freezing and starving on the street of the city. this land is the land of sickness and kufr.
how is it even possible for true honor and dignity to be so unrevered by a society? how have they deluded it to think that they are honorable?
i am so offended everywhere i go. i am angered, unfortunately.
it is so incredibly difficult to go monk mode. i will keep trying and trying until i am able to be content with this. the only way i can feel perfectly content like rasulAllah saw is by thinking how he did. when he knew of an adulterer his heart rate did not even go up. how do i get to that point? when i see an uncovered woman my heart rate goes to 150 bpm (i measured).
the position i am in cannot be changed, perhaps i wont get a wife.
Muhammad Ali said in a speech, (paraphrasing), "I divorced my wife, i dont see my kids no more. they call another man daddy. You think your wife is yours? Go die, come back to the world and take a look into your bedroom and see her with another man now that you're gone. You think your wife is yours?"
it took that speech to realize, that even in ISLAM, monogamy and caring for the other person beyond our desires are almost unseen. it makes me feel so sad and horrible. that EVEN IF, EVEN IF I managed to get to the point where a woman who follows this deen and likes me, i will never be special enough to her.
on the other hand, if my wife died, i would never lay with another woman. the specialness we had, how could anything even amount to it? it would simply be settling. i would rather only remember her, and have our children remember her and to honor her, not call another woman mommy.
does another woman think like that, what i just wrote above? i honestly think jahanam would freeze over before an example like this would happen to me.
but me feeling upset about that is me caring about this dunya. i thought marriage was special, that marrying a niqabi was end game of this dunyas desires. far from it. i need to let go of this worldly life, and only want to be with Allah SWT. i dont know how it will feel with Allah, it MUST be better than a wife. it is beyond my comprehension, which is why i fear this so much.
SubhanAllah, i hope i am forgiven for everything.
