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as a teenager i basically raped my little sister
this is probably the worst thing i’ve ever done and in distance of years i still can’t look at her the same without this unbearable guilt feeling.
i was 14, my sister was 8 and she was always trying to get closer to me telling me stories about “grown up” stuff she had done, like kissing some boy or watching porn.
at first i didn’t feel comfortable talking about those topics with her, but as time passed she kept trying to talk to me about that stuff and i eventually got that she just wanted to bond more and be more interesting in my eyes.
i started to tell her my experiences at her age and being overall more honest with her.
she started asking me to play truth or dare and i would always dare her to do normal stuff like “i dare you to sing while doing a handstand” or “i dare you not to laugh while keeping water in your mouth”, she then started to dare me to kiss her or the lips and stuff like that, which wasn’t that weird at first because we’re sisters and both girls, so i did it without thinking about it too much.
but the more we played the more i got that she wanted to make experiences with me because she felt comfortable and not judged by me, which should be a great thing because i always wanted her to feel like her big sister is always by her side no matter what.
she started telling me about how she never touched herself and how she’d like to learn more about those things but doesn’t know how.
here’s where my biggest sin begins and tbh one of the main reasons i had been trying to kill myself over the past few years.
let’s start by saying i have not been attracted to her in that way ever in my whole life, second thing (which isn’t absolutely an excuse but it could somehow had contributed to that) i was unmedicated for an undiagnosed personality disorder and was using cocaine and other substances.
so basically i told her how to do it and what it would feel like and she just told me “im doing it right now but im not sure if im doing it the right way” from her bed while i was in mine minding my own business on my phone.
i don’t know why or how it could’ve been a good idea but i decided to get closer to her and take a look.
i told her why it wasn’t working and she kept telling me she didn’t know how to do it.
so i told her “can i do it for you?” and started using my hand. she said it felt good and i decided (as if i didn’t already fuck up completely) to use my tongue.
i still remember the adrenaline rushes that i felt while doing it, until i guess the high wore off and i suddenly gained consciousness.
i told her to just go to sleep and to never tell anyone about that and forget about that.
i went back to my bed and started crying uncontrollably, i moved out to stay at my moms house (which is where im still living till now) and since then i have never talked about it.
i keep thinking “am i a pedophile?” and about the fact that i had done two of the most disturbing shit i could ever imagine AT ONCE.
i hadn’t been able to play truth or dare with her ever again even if i know that she just wants to play normally.
i will never be able to forgive myself and honestly i will not stop trying to kill myself, i just cannot keep living with this.
even if its been years it still haunts me, everything reminds me of that event and i always feel like i have to puke.
TL;DR When OP was 14 she helped her little sister masterbate and soyciety is completely supportive of her. Now If OP was a guy who did this soyciety would not have been supportive at all
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