Story Sonnet - Feathers of Innocence

[NowItsSlimeTime]

To what do I owe your finest pleasure?
Sickly sweet, like salt on the tongue kept wet.
I will be there, stealing your great treasure.
To this world, us in twine, life shall beget.

To whom do I owe my dearest remorse?
A feather firmly between blades of steel-
One push from all being destroyed by force-
Plucked from a newborn bird, a baby teal.

If it does not escape, the bird will die.
If it does, it will be ruined to it's mind.
A hurt baby boy, cut so it cant fly.
How, then, does a fellow feather one find?

There is no love, not anymore, never.
Only other birds with a cut feather.

 

[Khanivore]

@Orzmund a new competitor has awoken

 

[Khanivore]

and i like Slime's lyrics better

 

[NowItsSlimeTime]

Actually @Orzmund inspired this! I liked reading their stuff so I wrote something too.

 

[Ahnfeltia]

Not bad at all. I can't say I understand every line, but I think I get the gist.

 

[NowItsSlimeTime]

Not bad at all. I can't say I understand every line, but I think I get the gist.

Thank you!

I agree, the first part of the poem is a bit off with the theme I was going for, but maybe not for that specific part?

I don't like the second line of verse 2 because I had to keep editing to make it 10 syllables

3 I didn't like saying hurt instead of damaged in some capacity

But I love 4.

Did you have specific lines you noticed I could work on?

 

[Ahnfeltia]

I agree, the first part of the poem is a bit off with the theme I was going for, but maybe not for that specific part?

It felt like you were introducing the "antagonist" in the first stanza. I like it. Esp. the way the first lines of the first and second stanza contrast each other.

I don't like the second line of verse 2 because I had to keep editing to make it 10 syllables

I actually really like that line. Probably one of my favorite lines even. Funny how that works huh.

3 I didn't like saying hurt instead of damaged in some capacity

I feel ya. Maybe "marred"? It's only one syllable, just like "hurt", but closer in meaning to "damaged" (at least the sense you're going for). Heck, it might even be more fitting than "damaged".

Did you have specific lines you noticed I could work on?

My quibbles are mostly minor. In your first stanza, you use the pronoun "I" twice (first and third line). I may be mistaken, but it feels like "I" refers to the "protagonist" in the first line, whereas it seems to refer to the "antagonist" in the third line. If my assessment is correct, I would advise against using "I" to refer to different people within one stanza. It's confusing. Switching whom "I" refers to between stanza, however, is fine as far as I'm concerned.

To whom do I owe my dearest remorse?

Remorse is guilt you feel toward your own actions, so at face value this line is oxymoronic. I interpreted it as a sort of "What did I do to deserve this?" exclamation. Yet, since I feel like you already introduced the antagonist, the "protagonist" not addressing the "antagonist" feels off to me. Then again, my interpretation might be wholly wrong.

If it does, it will be ruined to it's [its] mind.

First off, it should be "its" in lieu of "it's". More importantly, however, what do you mean by "ruined to its mind"? I thought "escape" referred to it avoiding its featherless fate, but I'm not entirely sure.

Before I sign off, I would be remiss not to mention that poetry is ultimately a form of self-expression and, as such, you should always listen to yourself first. Don't let me goad you into changing things you'd rather keep. That of course goes for life more broadly too. Never forsake your inmost self at the behest of others. Not that you needed me to tell you any of this.

 

[NowItsSlimeTime]

It felt like you were introducing the "antagonist" in the first stanza. I like it. Esp. the way the first lines of the first and second stanza contrast each other.

I actually really like that line. Probably one of my favorite lines even. Funny how that works huh.

I feel ya. Maybe "marred"? It's only one syllable, just like "hurt", but closer in meaning to "damaged" (at least the sense you're going for). Heck, it might even be more fitting than "damaged".

My quibbles are mostly minor. In your first stanza, you use the pronoun "I" twice (first and third line). I may be mistaken, but it feels like "I" refers to the "protagonist" in the first line, whereas it seems to refer to the "antagonist" in the third line. If my assessment is correct, I would advise against using "I" to refer to different people within one stanza. It's confusing. Switching whom "I" refers to between stanza, however, is fine as far as I'm concerned.

Remorse is guilt you feel toward your own actions, so at face value this line is oxymoronic. I interpreted it as a sort of "What did I do to deserve this?" exclamation. Yet, since I feel like you already introduced the antagonist, the "protagonist" not addressing the "antagonist" feels off to me. Then again, my interpretation might be wholly wrong.

First off, it should be "its" in lieu of "it's". More importantly, however, what do you mean by "ruined to its mind"? I thought "escape" referred to it avoiding its featherless fate, but I'm not entirely sure.

Before I sign off, I would be remiss not to mention that poetry is ultimately a form of self-expression and, as such, you should always listen to yourself first. Don't let me goad you into changing things you'd rather keep. That of course goes for life more broadly too. Never forsake your inmost self at the behest of others. Not that you needed me to tell you any of this.

Very in depth feedback! Thank you very much. I loved both your interpretation and the way you described what you did and didn't like.

 

[NowItsSlimeTime]

Congratulations on implementing proper meter into your poem—something I have yet to do.

Thank-you.

 

[Ahnfeltia]

Very in depth feedback! Thank you very much. I loved both your interpretation and the way you described what you did and didn't like.

You're very welcome.

 

[Ahnfeltia]

Congratulations on implementing proper meter into your poem—something I have yet to do.

I struggle with it as well. Often harder than rhyming.