Whenever im in place with people its relatively common for them to ask me "Are you ok?" specially if they don't really know me. this happens because i always seem uninterested, depressed, or distracted/disconnected. it also doesn't help that im always on my phone.
Where im going with this is that im actually super uninterested in socializing. People really do piss me off. people are essentially a set of variables in my life equation that i cant control.
yesterday i went to a restaurant and then to a bar with some people i know. i only made an effort to go because it was this guy's birthday, and he's done me favors in the past so i want to keep that bridge under the pressumption of friendship. when i went i had a total of 3 drinks. i dont drink as much as i used to because there's almost no point to it, and whenever people meet up to do any sort of fucking socializing there's always alcohol. so thats one more thing i dont like to do that everyone else around me is doing. next is just the conversations. people love to either talk about themselves, or talk about others. blah blah blah. sometimes whenever people are talking i straight up wish i could just tell them "can you please shut up? i really dont care" because i dont. that's why im not very talkative, not because im shy really but mainly because if i dont care about whatever tf they talking about then what sense does it make for me to think that they do care about what i have to say?
i dont trust anyone, i think lots people have ulterior motives, and i dont like to rely on people for functioning. everytime i end up going outside w ppl i end up regretting it because nothing good comes out of it and the whole entire time im outside im thinking about what game i could be playing instead. everytime i give people the time of day they just prove me right in that theyre all a waste of damn time.
its a fucking shame and i hate that we are social creatures and we need connection with other people at some level to properly function, so i still talk to people normally and have a somewhat good relationship with my family. i also put on a social mask when i go outside and i play the part they want me to play. ill act as their friend if they want me to, but my friendship is not sincere. im a hypocrite, but i am a hypocrite not because i betray people, i dont fuck em over, i just like to keep em around because they do serve a certain purpose in my life to a degree, while deep down i still fucking hate all of them.
one day ill need them for something, maybe im moving somewhere and i need them to help me move my shit. theyll come because theyre nice friends. maybe one day im stranded in the middle of nowhere and my car is dead then i can call them to pick me up, or help me find a ride. i try not to rely on people, but connection as annoying as it is for me it is inevitable and necessary as a whole, so i guess there's some good to it. things like laughing are usually always better enjoyed in company. multiplayer games that need team cooperation are better enjoyed in company as well, even if it's for the sake of performing better in the game.
but deep down, deep deep down, i wish i didnt have to engage in it. the duality of man.
i almost never say what i really think, because its not convenient for me, often creates unnecessary/pointless confrontation, and almost always leads nowhere. specially if people get emotionally invested in the topic at hand, theyll take a point and die on that hill. i fucking hate everyone, and most things.
Where im going with this is that im actually super uninterested in socializing. People really do piss me off. people are essentially a set of variables in my life equation that i cant control.
yesterday i went to a restaurant and then to a bar with some people i know. i only made an effort to go because it was this guy's birthday, and he's done me favors in the past so i want to keep that bridge under the pressumption of friendship. when i went i had a total of 3 drinks. i dont drink as much as i used to because there's almost no point to it, and whenever people meet up to do any sort of fucking socializing there's always alcohol. so thats one more thing i dont like to do that everyone else around me is doing. next is just the conversations. people love to either talk about themselves, or talk about others. blah blah blah. sometimes whenever people are talking i straight up wish i could just tell them "can you please shut up? i really dont care" because i dont. that's why im not very talkative, not because im shy really but mainly because if i dont care about whatever tf they talking about then what sense does it make for me to think that they do care about what i have to say?
i dont trust anyone, i think lots people have ulterior motives, and i dont like to rely on people for functioning. everytime i end up going outside w ppl i end up regretting it because nothing good comes out of it and the whole entire time im outside im thinking about what game i could be playing instead. everytime i give people the time of day they just prove me right in that theyre all a waste of damn time.
its a fucking shame and i hate that we are social creatures and we need connection with other people at some level to properly function, so i still talk to people normally and have a somewhat good relationship with my family. i also put on a social mask when i go outside and i play the part they want me to play. ill act as their friend if they want me to, but my friendship is not sincere. im a hypocrite, but i am a hypocrite not because i betray people, i dont fuck em over, i just like to keep em around because they do serve a certain purpose in my life to a degree, while deep down i still fucking hate all of them.
one day ill need them for something, maybe im moving somewhere and i need them to help me move my shit. theyll come because theyre nice friends. maybe one day im stranded in the middle of nowhere and my car is dead then i can call them to pick me up, or help me find a ride. i try not to rely on people, but connection as annoying as it is for me it is inevitable and necessary as a whole, so i guess there's some good to it. things like laughing are usually always better enjoyed in company. multiplayer games that need team cooperation are better enjoyed in company as well, even if it's for the sake of performing better in the game.
but deep down, deep deep down, i wish i didnt have to engage in it. the duality of man.
i almost never say what i really think, because its not convenient for me, often creates unnecessary/pointless confrontation, and almost always leads nowhere. specially if people get emotionally invested in the topic at hand, theyll take a point and die on that hill. i fucking hate everyone, and most things.
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