I’ve been pushing myself to go out more in the past couple months. I’ve gone out twice since then, it took every ounce of courage and they both were just an absolute disaster. Making a fool of myself, being subtley forced outside of the group, struggling on what to say, etc. I wanted to die in those moments. I even knew in the back of my head this would happen, but I just convinced myself that its just my “social anxiety” thinking worst case scenario. It wasn’t. I’m afraid to go out because I know, not think, things will go wrong. I don’t think people are judging me, I know. Maybe I don’t have the mental illness, but I have a defense mechanism. I’m just trying to protect myself from mockery and the dreaded but inevitable glares of disapproval. I’m not sick, just very strange. Now I know to stay in my lane and give up, because now I know the things I’m afraid of are in fact real and I can’t fix what people think of me. There’s no point in trying.
