H
I don't know where to start, I have much to say and when it comes to trying to get this all out at once, I can have a hard time finding the words. I'd like to thank you for letting me join.
About me, I'm 32, will be 33 this year, and like many of you, I have been a lonely, miserable bastard for a long time. I'm not going to post all of this out detail by detail with all of my life details, but this has been a problem since I was 16. That's when it hit me. I hadn't had sex, course it seemed everyone else was, no girlfriends, no social life, felt very alone and isolated. I felt like my life was over. It may have been adolescent issues, but it felt severe. It probably was a mental health thing as one other stated in another post. Long story short, school for a long time was not a fun, happy time for me. So not having sex or enough social interactions fucked with my head. School eventually ended, but I didn't graduate due to standardized testing issues. I got a job, then got fired, won't say how or where, but you could say it was cause of chads haha.
So yeah, it's been 12 years. And I have not been able to stop obsessing over it. I almost did a few years back with someone I met, but I screwed that one up.
So yeah, I get it. Even if there are some parts perhaps I don't relate or agree with, I totally get it. This constant emptiness/loneliness/unfullfilled desires thing sucks. And don't get me started on seeing couples together. Sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I can't. And yeah, when you see guys uglier/fatter than you, or typical chad types, I'm ready to lose it and beat the shit out of someone.
As of now, I have a job. It is my only real social outlet. Don't want to say what or where or how long due to privacy reasons. I like the job despite some frustrations, I like the people I work with, it's helped alot. But the area I am in? Wow. You could do all sorts of analysis's but it's chad central, both older and younger. Most of these people have not been told to go fuck themselves. Wow do they really need to hear that. And I am not alone in thinking this.
I lived at home a long time, too long, I didn't move out until I was older. I was 29. It was great at the time, as I was not happy at home, as I had lived there too long, and well, I didn't always get along with my dad. Mostly due to his drinking. Yeah. I was never sexually or physically abused, but this put a rift between me and him for a long time. I used drink ALOT, due to anxieties/depression, and a bad BAD Falling out I had had with someone who was a close friend, and I had problems before, this thing fucked me up for a long time after that. I had gone through PTSD. I mean, this was BAD. I don't drink anymore. Haven't a long time. So yeah. I got the place I am living at through a friend. He moved and the other roommate, a girl, haha yes, I lived with her, she had a bf, but it was all cool. So my one other roommate who l moved in with at the same time and a new one. Yeah, the first guy is kind of a chad. And I have heard him having sex with this gf in the past. Yeah. That didn't help. I am also paranoid/maybe he does, worried he hates me and is trying to kick me out. I never stole anyting, started any fights, not bringing in drugs, so nothing reasonable. I fear it is part of this self home improvement plan he has for apartment and he sees me in the way. Seriously. The other guy the newer guy, he is allright. He's pretty grounded and normal and we get alone. He seemed chaddish at first, but I was wrong. He does have a long term gf. Met her a few times, seems allright.
OH and I did almost get kicked out last year cause I had too much stuff/kind of a hoarder/always sort of was. I cleaned it up, but I still hope(d) the landlady got hit by a bus.
Oh and not to sound like an ungrateful spoiled bastard, I am still having my parents pay my rent. Yeah. I know. I was supposed to have paid my own a while ago, but I haven't been the best at managing money and that's been a whole other issue.
So my life is go to work, come home, veg out for a few hours, get up and do it again. On days off, I don't do as much as I should/would like too. I am in school, that is almost done, but there's been some hurdles. Hell I was supposed to have finished up this second chance for the class I am taking which ends in two weeks and there is still some time but I fucked up on it so yeah.
Oh and I have always tended to watch copious amounts of porn for long periods of time which hasn't helped.
So yeah, 32, no sex in 12 years, no ltr or gf and nothing coming close to a marriage/children/family of my own. That is what has me scared more than anything. I am in counseling. I have been meaning to bring up this incel stuff with her. Yes. Her. Make of that what you will. I mean, I thought by this point in my life, I'd have had this shit figured out by now. And while I appreciate the efforts by those here, sometimes getting TOO into this stuff doesn't help. IE the blackpill thing. I never learned how to or got good at dating. This started at 16. I developed a complex. And here I am. So I basically let this fuck me up mentally. I have tried online dating. Bars/clubs aren't my thing. I work full time and even with downtime, that is limited. So yeah. This has become the thing where I can't turn off the self concscious anxiety. Oh and last christmas time, I had a brief hosptial overnight for vaugely suicidal thoughts, all related to this shit. Oh and I don't have insurance so I have been up shit's creek with the bill. So yeah, I have more to say in time, and if you read this, thank you and I look forward to talking with all of you.
About me, I'm 32, will be 33 this year, and like many of you, I have been a lonely, miserable bastard for a long time. I'm not going to post all of this out detail by detail with all of my life details, but this has been a problem since I was 16. That's when it hit me. I hadn't had sex, course it seemed everyone else was, no girlfriends, no social life, felt very alone and isolated. I felt like my life was over. It may have been adolescent issues, but it felt severe. It probably was a mental health thing as one other stated in another post. Long story short, school for a long time was not a fun, happy time for me. So not having sex or enough social interactions fucked with my head. School eventually ended, but I didn't graduate due to standardized testing issues. I got a job, then got fired, won't say how or where, but you could say it was cause of chads haha.
So yeah, it's been 12 years. And I have not been able to stop obsessing over it. I almost did a few years back with someone I met, but I screwed that one up.
So yeah, I get it. Even if there are some parts perhaps I don't relate or agree with, I totally get it. This constant emptiness/loneliness/unfullfilled desires thing sucks. And don't get me started on seeing couples together. Sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I can't. And yeah, when you see guys uglier/fatter than you, or typical chad types, I'm ready to lose it and beat the shit out of someone.
As of now, I have a job. It is my only real social outlet. Don't want to say what or where or how long due to privacy reasons. I like the job despite some frustrations, I like the people I work with, it's helped alot. But the area I am in? Wow. You could do all sorts of analysis's but it's chad central, both older and younger. Most of these people have not been told to go fuck themselves. Wow do they really need to hear that. And I am not alone in thinking this.
I lived at home a long time, too long, I didn't move out until I was older. I was 29. It was great at the time, as I was not happy at home, as I had lived there too long, and well, I didn't always get along with my dad. Mostly due to his drinking. Yeah. I was never sexually or physically abused, but this put a rift between me and him for a long time. I used drink ALOT, due to anxieties/depression, and a bad BAD Falling out I had had with someone who was a close friend, and I had problems before, this thing fucked me up for a long time after that. I had gone through PTSD. I mean, this was BAD. I don't drink anymore. Haven't a long time. So yeah. I got the place I am living at through a friend. He moved and the other roommate, a girl, haha yes, I lived with her, she had a bf, but it was all cool. So my one other roommate who l moved in with at the same time and a new one. Yeah, the first guy is kind of a chad. And I have heard him having sex with this gf in the past. Yeah. That didn't help. I am also paranoid/maybe he does, worried he hates me and is trying to kick me out. I never stole anyting, started any fights, not bringing in drugs, so nothing reasonable. I fear it is part of this self home improvement plan he has for apartment and he sees me in the way. Seriously. The other guy the newer guy, he is allright. He's pretty grounded and normal and we get alone. He seemed chaddish at first, but I was wrong. He does have a long term gf. Met her a few times, seems allright.
OH and I did almost get kicked out last year cause I had too much stuff/kind of a hoarder/always sort of was. I cleaned it up, but I still hope(d) the landlady got hit by a bus.
Oh and not to sound like an ungrateful spoiled bastard, I am still having my parents pay my rent. Yeah. I know. I was supposed to have paid my own a while ago, but I haven't been the best at managing money and that's been a whole other issue.
So my life is go to work, come home, veg out for a few hours, get up and do it again. On days off, I don't do as much as I should/would like too. I am in school, that is almost done, but there's been some hurdles. Hell I was supposed to have finished up this second chance for the class I am taking which ends in two weeks and there is still some time but I fucked up on it so yeah.
Oh and I have always tended to watch copious amounts of porn for long periods of time which hasn't helped.
So yeah, 32, no sex in 12 years, no ltr or gf and nothing coming close to a marriage/children/family of my own. That is what has me scared more than anything. I am in counseling. I have been meaning to bring up this incel stuff with her. Yes. Her. Make of that what you will. I mean, I thought by this point in my life, I'd have had this shit figured out by now. And while I appreciate the efforts by those here, sometimes getting TOO into this stuff doesn't help. IE the blackpill thing. I never learned how to or got good at dating. This started at 16. I developed a complex. And here I am. So I basically let this fuck me up mentally. I have tried online dating. Bars/clubs aren't my thing. I work full time and even with downtime, that is limited. So yeah. This has become the thing where I can't turn off the self concscious anxiety. Oh and last christmas time, I had a brief hosptial overnight for vaugely suicidal thoughts, all related to this shit. Oh and I don't have insurance so I have been up shit's creek with the bill. So yeah, I have more to say in time, and if you read this, thank you and I look forward to talking with all of you.
