I was sitting alone at work when a workmate approached me to make small talk, followed closely by a blonde white Chad, a real rarity in Brazil.
I had my guard low since I was by myself on my phone and I just used my autistic side to talk, i speak extremely fast and swing my hands around very fast. In a few seconds of talk the Chad just raised his eyebrow and asked my coworker what was wrong with me. Infront of me. I was fairly sure I could beat the shit out of him as he was only some 3 inches taller and frail. But i just got shocked. I sorta stared as they left talking.
This made me remember a 'friend' I had through most of my life, we were extremely similar, and I mean it. The same height, the same hair, the same frame, the same personality, the same interests and strong materials at school but there was a bigger difference. He was as NT and talkative as it got, and he had a lean face. I have these really fat face cheeks that make me look bloated and almost like I got stung by a bee.
We were almost the same, but he was "normal" and more attractive. And I really did spend most of my school life with him, from second grade, to fourth grade and all the way to second year of high-school. I got to see him grow.
At first we were equals, he would sorta light bully me so I would hit him. It was a back and fourth, he was probably the first person of many I fought, obviously I was a little child so it wasn't very effective.
Luck hated me even back then, i remember pinning him against the wall with my arm, ready to punch him, then my mom walked into the classroom looking for me, ready to assault another child. It was like a movie scene, so I was beat and scolded for being caught red handed in something he started.
Fourth to six grade was more or less normal, we'd interact and grow into being somewhat friends, but we could never stay nearby each other for too long without some sort of violence.
Seventh grade, I was an autistic skinny boy that couldn't even look at people in the eye, I had grown my empathy since my rough childhood days, I could barely hit someone again, it was a pure mental block, so i was bullied. I remember being sent to the hospital around twice because of attacks.
Meanwhile, he was loved by everyone, respected by everyone, and he had a 10/10 goth girlfriend (the early 2010's when that was still pretty popular).
While he enjoyed life to the Maxx with teen love and appreciation, I was at the side, equal in so many aspects, but opposites in those two factors.
While he would make out with his girlfriend in class, I would spend hours watching people walking to try to adopt a normal walking style, I was heavily bullied by the way I walked too.
While he would go out to parties I stayed inside my house googling and studying how to have a normal conversation religiously, and having to remind myself to keep eye contact, which was an agonizing endeavor for me.
On year 1 of HS he was going to the park and drinking with his friends, meanwhile that was the time I was almost jumped by a group of 18 year old whiteknights carrying knifes, I was barely 16 and skinny fat, all for standing up for myself against a Stacy. That was when I began to be intimidated by women and their sheer social power to get me killed at will.
After the first year, he changed schools and dissapeared, I never saw him again. I do wonder how he is doing.
All because of my face and my autism, most specifically my autism.
Why do I have to be mocked even today? I don't feel as if I'm doing anything wrong, I just talk odd. That's all.
I don't feel broken, or disabled. I don't feel as if I was born wrong. But to society, I was.
I was probably born solely to be a set of stairs that guy had to overcome to enjoy his inevitable success. I am just a prop, and now that my service is over, there is no use for me. I can only rot.
I had my guard low since I was by myself on my phone and I just used my autistic side to talk, i speak extremely fast and swing my hands around very fast. In a few seconds of talk the Chad just raised his eyebrow and asked my coworker what was wrong with me. Infront of me. I was fairly sure I could beat the shit out of him as he was only some 3 inches taller and frail. But i just got shocked. I sorta stared as they left talking.
This made me remember a 'friend' I had through most of my life, we were extremely similar, and I mean it. The same height, the same hair, the same frame, the same personality, the same interests and strong materials at school but there was a bigger difference. He was as NT and talkative as it got, and he had a lean face. I have these really fat face cheeks that make me look bloated and almost like I got stung by a bee.
We were almost the same, but he was "normal" and more attractive. And I really did spend most of my school life with him, from second grade, to fourth grade and all the way to second year of high-school. I got to see him grow.
At first we were equals, he would sorta light bully me so I would hit him. It was a back and fourth, he was probably the first person of many I fought, obviously I was a little child so it wasn't very effective.
Luck hated me even back then, i remember pinning him against the wall with my arm, ready to punch him, then my mom walked into the classroom looking for me, ready to assault another child. It was like a movie scene, so I was beat and scolded for being caught red handed in something he started.
Fourth to six grade was more or less normal, we'd interact and grow into being somewhat friends, but we could never stay nearby each other for too long without some sort of violence.
Seventh grade, I was an autistic skinny boy that couldn't even look at people in the eye, I had grown my empathy since my rough childhood days, I could barely hit someone again, it was a pure mental block, so i was bullied. I remember being sent to the hospital around twice because of attacks.
Meanwhile, he was loved by everyone, respected by everyone, and he had a 10/10 goth girlfriend (the early 2010's when that was still pretty popular).
While he enjoyed life to the Maxx with teen love and appreciation, I was at the side, equal in so many aspects, but opposites in those two factors.
While he would make out with his girlfriend in class, I would spend hours watching people walking to try to adopt a normal walking style, I was heavily bullied by the way I walked too.
While he would go out to parties I stayed inside my house googling and studying how to have a normal conversation religiously, and having to remind myself to keep eye contact, which was an agonizing endeavor for me.
On year 1 of HS he was going to the park and drinking with his friends, meanwhile that was the time I was almost jumped by a group of 18 year old whiteknights carrying knifes, I was barely 16 and skinny fat, all for standing up for myself against a Stacy. That was when I began to be intimidated by women and their sheer social power to get me killed at will.
After the first year, he changed schools and dissapeared, I never saw him again. I do wonder how he is doing.
All because of my face and my autism, most specifically my autism.
Why do I have to be mocked even today? I don't feel as if I'm doing anything wrong, I just talk odd. That's all.
I don't feel broken, or disabled. I don't feel as if I was born wrong. But to society, I was.
I was probably born solely to be a set of stairs that guy had to overcome to enjoy his inevitable success. I am just a prop, and now that my service is over, there is no use for me. I can only rot.
