View: https://medium.com/sharon-alger/one-woman-makes-her-best-attempt-to-empathise-with-incels-cf122d6d7046
One Woman Makes Her Best Attempt to Empathise With Incels
That’s what we’re told to do, right?
Sharon AlgerFollow
Sharon Alger
·~10 min read·October 5, 2023 (Updated: October 7, 2023)·Free: No
I would imagine most internet users in 2023 know what an incel is, by now. If not, let's do a quick run-down: an incel is short for, 'involuntary celibate.' The term refers to a community of straight men who claim they are incapable of finding a woman to have sex with.
Whenever I read about incels on the internet, inevitably somebody will leave a comment informing women that we need to have more empathy for these men. 'Because they're so lonely,' they cry. 'Sex is a physical need for men; how can you not feel pity for them?' Often, older partnered men plead for women to care more about incels. Sometimes, older women make these remarks, too.
Plenty of times, I've seen incels themselves claim if women would just acknowledge how hard it is to be an incel and have some empathy, then that would help them a great deal.
Today, I've decided to volunteer myself as tribute to this cause. Yes, I'm going to make a focused effort to attempt to empathise with the grievances incels have. Some of you at this point will glance at my bio, and think, 'huh! Feminist! She's just going to roast the poor guys.' Others will have read my work in the past, and be familiar with my occasionally smart-arsy tone, and think, 'yep! She's definitely going to make fun of them.'
And to that, I insist you're wrong. I'm going to give this a red-hot bloody go. I will be fair and reasonable. I hope you will attempt this empathy exercise along with me. You have my solid guarantee that I will continue this thought experiment until I feel complete empathy for at least one point made by an incel. But before I begin, we need to settle on some house-keeping.
I shall seek out examples of grievances from the first incel forum that comes up on my Ecosia search. For each point I address, I will rank my empathy level from 0–10, ten being the maximum amount of empathy I feel.
One last thing: if you have a weak stomach, it's probably best if you sit this story out.
Rape
From the forum:Before I go on, I need to point out that there are many, many posts on this forum sharing this sentiment, or different versions of it. This is not a cherry-picked, once-off comment by a member who does not represent the community. Also notable is the fact most members in the replies agreed with this opinion.
Let's begin with the assertion that women enjoy and fantasise about rape 'all the time.' This article suggests that two-thirds of women in the study mentioned had rape fantasies. Fantasies, guys. Now, I've never fantasised about rape personally, but I have had many sexual fantasies that I would never wish to act upon. And in reality, I would not enjoy those sex acts I have fantasised about.
For women who enjoy role playing rape as their kink, it must be noted that the role play is not rape, as the role play is consented to by both participants. What about the idea that women 'enjoying being raped?'
I found this quote that addresses this point well:
Personally, I have been raped by two different men, at different times. I absolutely did not enjoy it, and was disgusted by those men. That's probably the biggest reason they raped me. Anecdotally, of all the women I've ever talked to about rape, or read about their experiences online, the common thread has been that our rapes have been traumatic, unenjoyable experiences for us.
Also, to state the obvious, rape is a crime. To those of you who would cry out for women to empathise with incels, is this what you had in mind? Do you want us to feel empathy for people who are pro-rape? Who would decriminalise it if they could? Let's pretend I do empathise with their viewpoint for a second. What sort of person would I be?
I would need to believe it's understandable to want to rape a woman. And I don't. And that should be considered normal.
Empathy rating: 0/10
Pedophilia
In the forum, a member asked the question, 'what age of girls do you prefer?' I won't list all of the answers given in this thread. Let's just say that a decent number of men preferred women of legal age, up to mid-20s. One member chose 50+ year old women (uh, pass), and a disturbing amount of men salivated over underage girls.But the worst part of this mess? Not one of these men called out the pedophiles. Not a single one. Now, if I or anyone else is remotely capable of empathising with any of this: call the damn cops. I'd love for someone to explain to me why on earth women are expected to empathise with literal pedophiles and those who sit comfortably with them? It pleases me greatly to hear that men with disgusting thoughts like these have never been able to act upon them. I hope that continues.
Do people expect women to empathise with incels because they are unaware of the acceptance of pedophilia in the community? Or are they aware, but blame women's rejection for incels turning out this way? Either way…
Empathy rating: 0/10, because I do not empathise with pedophiles, ever.
Murder
This empathy thing isn't looking too great yet, is it? But true to my word, I will continue.Let's consider a post on the forum about a murder that was in the news. A 15-year-old girl rejected a 17-year-old boy, and he stabbed her to death with a machete. Here are some quotes from forum members about this murder:
I could go on with more quotes, but instead I'll inform you that these opinions repeated themselves throughout the thread, and not one member spoke up against them. Again: this thread is by no means a once-off. There are many, many threads on this forum celebrating the murder of women, especially if they had rejected their murderer beforehand. Often, a member will chime in with the comment, 'should've raped her first.'
Empathy rating: 0/10.
I explicitly do not agree that these women deserved to be murdered. I also refuse to believe that all of the rejections these men and boys experienced prior to their crimes turned them into murderers. This behaviour is not the fault of any human being, expect for the man/boy who chose to commit a crime. I'm glad young women are dodging serious bullets by steering clear of people like this.
Disfigurement
In this forum post, the user shared before and after photos of beautiful women, and next to each photo is another of how she looks after becoming severely disfigured from an acid attack.
In another forum post which has since been deleted, one member declared that permanently disfiguring women and men who get to have sex is 'better' than raping or murdering them. Why? Because it prolongs their suffering. Do I really need to give an empathy rating here? Fine.
Empathy rating: 0/10.
Here's a few more topics that drew zero empathy from me
We would be here all day if I quoted each of them separately, so I'm going to lump these opinions from incels together:- frequently naming women 'toilets,' 'holes,' and 'foids.'
- wishing to enslave women
- talking openly about wanting to rape their sisters
- celebrating women 'getting what they deserve.' In other words, glorification of unspeakable violence against women.
- expressing strong desires to beat women, both inside and outside of relationships with them.
- hate speech against Black people, Asians, Jewish people, disabled people, gay people, transgender people.
- calling for the government to 'distribute' women to incels as mandated wives.
- declaring that women only own male dogs as pets because they have sex with them.
- bragging about the times they have physically hurt women (or girls, when they were teens, themselves). Plans and wishes to hurt males and females who have sex. I say 'males and females,' because sometime they are referring to adults, and other times, teens.
Loneliness
The first user to answer this forum post tried to problem-solve the situation, suggesting he might be autistic. I'm in no position to diagnose this fellow myself, but no one seems to see the elephant in the room, here.
You're in an incel forum, my dude. You hang out with a bunch of people who are comfortable discussing all the things we've covered above. I'm sure you aren't telling your new friends you're in this forum. You may think they're not picking up on your beliefs, but sooner or later, the mask always slips. Eventually, your friends are figuring out something is 'off' with you, even if they can't put their finger on what it is. Or maybe they can, and you don't realise.
The only way this could be addressed is to leave the incel community, go get therapy and learn some social skills.
Empathy rating: 2/10.
History of suffering abuse and bullying from women
This incel goes on to describe experiencing bullying from girls in school, and an abusive mother (physically and emotionally). He goes on to express his frustration that women are portrayed in our culture as the more caring gender.
As someone who has also been bullied by girls in school, I can empathise. I've also been abused physically and emotionally by a woman for a large part of my life. The stereotype of women being the caring gender is harmful to all; for so many reasons, I could write an entire story on that topic alone.
I have received a ton of therapy to help me to deal with the trauma from my abuse. I will continue to work on it in therapy for as long as I need to. I sincerely hope this user is able to access therapy and makes the decision to seek it out.
Empathy rating: 10/10.
Made fun of for being a virgin
This one breaks my heart. Nobody deserves to be treated this way by anyone, especially not from their own family who is supposed to love, cherish and support them. There's no excuses for this behaviour. It's this exact stigma that leads people to believe being a virgin is a big deal and something to be ashamed of.
Can We Find Better Ways to Talk About Virginity?
Let’s knock virginity firmly off its pedestal
medium.comI have believed for a long time that we should all collectively agree to quit 'virgin shaming' people. If any non-incels are at fault for helping to create this monster, it would be because of this sort of bullying. We're all responsible for changing this harmful cultural narrative.
Empathy: 10/10.
Before I finish, I'd like to cast our attention onto the people who cry out for women to show more empathy to incels. I have some questions for you:
- do you feel incels are lacking in empathy for others, in any way?
- after reading this, do you think women deserve a tiny skerrick of empathy thrown our way? Just a crumb, sir? And not just women; all the people incels dream of inflicting harm upon, which includes men who have sex, by the way.
- do you have any ideas as to why these men might be lonely?
- why are only women being asked to show empathy towards incels?
- is it actual empathy you want from women, or is it a polite way to ask us to fix the problem? You know, take one for the team? Give an incel pity sex? And if this is your solution, can you tell me with a straight face you're an empathetic person yourself?
