I see my life in two halves.
The first half: childhood, where I was still naive about the world, could still be excited by things, e.g. christmas, cartoons. I wasn't suicidal. I was full of curiosity about the world.
The other half: teenage years onwards where I hated life - not enough to carry out a successful suicide but wanting to be dead in a passive way; disillusionment; depression; responsibilties; etc.
They are in such stark contrast that I often reminisce about the good parts of my childhood. They are night and day.
But the ONE THING that unites those two halves is that is my rejection from women; my wanting a girl but not being able to get one. Those experiences are about the only things that have had continuity over those two halves.
When I was a child, I remember a girl who lived around the corner from me. Every time I saw her, it was like a pang of panic and butterflies at the same time. I remember once, I somehow got invited to her party (her parents probably said: "let's invite that subhuman from around the block"). I was in her house along with a bunch of other kids. She suggested we play videogames. I ran home to get mine and bring them back. When I got back she said she didn't want to play videogames anymore.
When I was a 11, I bought a girl a ring. She "went out with me" this time. On previous attempts she said No and liked my friends - who paid no attention to her. Anyway, a few days later, she dumped me. I asked for the ring back and she said she lost it.
And it's been pretty much the same thing in the adult half of my life.
EVERYTHING in my life has CHANGED from one half to the other, but the ONE CONSTANT is me seeing a girl, feeling butterflies, wanting to be her boyfriend, but her seeing me as an ogre or rejecting me.
Time to buy some rope tbh.
The first half: childhood, where I was still naive about the world, could still be excited by things, e.g. christmas, cartoons. I wasn't suicidal. I was full of curiosity about the world.
The other half: teenage years onwards where I hated life - not enough to carry out a successful suicide but wanting to be dead in a passive way; disillusionment; depression; responsibilties; etc.
They are in such stark contrast that I often reminisce about the good parts of my childhood. They are night and day.
But the ONE THING that unites those two halves is that is my rejection from women; my wanting a girl but not being able to get one. Those experiences are about the only things that have had continuity over those two halves.
When I was a child, I remember a girl who lived around the corner from me. Every time I saw her, it was like a pang of panic and butterflies at the same time. I remember once, I somehow got invited to her party (her parents probably said: "let's invite that subhuman from around the block"). I was in her house along with a bunch of other kids. She suggested we play videogames. I ran home to get mine and bring them back. When I got back she said she didn't want to play videogames anymore.
When I was a 11, I bought a girl a ring. She "went out with me" this time. On previous attempts she said No and liked my friends - who paid no attention to her. Anyway, a few days later, she dumped me. I asked for the ring back and she said she lost it.
And it's been pretty much the same thing in the adult half of my life.
EVERYTHING in my life has CHANGED from one half to the other, but the ONE CONSTANT is me seeing a girl, feeling butterflies, wanting to be her boyfriend, but her seeing me as an ogre or rejecting me.
Time to buy some rope tbh.
