It was late 2020 (age 17). Even though it was the height of Covid, I was actually going outside more often than usual. My dad and brother and I were going to some certain walking/biking trails and riding bikes throughout the area. One evening we were on the return ride on the way back to the parking area. I saw ahead of me there was a couple coming towards us, both white, young, athletic, with the girl wearing leggings. And one of them (I can't remember which) was holding a frisbee in one hand, as they held each others hands.
The idyllic quality of the sight was striking. They were both smiling radiantly, and I was thrown down by their happiness. The entire second half of 2020 had a wet blanket over it for me, on account of a traumatic sanction that occurred in the summer, where it became highly apparent that there was no future with my HS oneitis. Someone with whom I wanted to do simple, cute couple things like that—taking a walk in the natural landscape and playing frisbee with each other. But that kind of thing was denied me, and it is still being denied me, along with actual sexual experiences as well (I was somewhat unusual in HS that I did not care much about sex itself).
Lately I keep thinking about that couple, and what they represent, as it rises to memory again and again… the rift between me and them, completely alone and controlled by my parents, while they were completely fulfilled together and independent. Soon I will live with my family again. There will be no semantic distinction between 17 and soon to be 23. Just different numbers, but the same dynamics.
The idyllic quality of the sight was striking. They were both smiling radiantly, and I was thrown down by their happiness. The entire second half of 2020 had a wet blanket over it for me, on account of a traumatic sanction that occurred in the summer, where it became highly apparent that there was no future with my HS oneitis. Someone with whom I wanted to do simple, cute couple things like that—taking a walk in the natural landscape and playing frisbee with each other. But that kind of thing was denied me, and it is still being denied me, along with actual sexual experiences as well (I was somewhat unusual in HS that I did not care much about sex itself).
Lately I keep thinking about that couple, and what they represent, as it rises to memory again and again… the rift between me and them, completely alone and controlled by my parents, while they were completely fulfilled together and independent. Soon I will live with my family again. There will be no semantic distinction between 17 and soon to be 23. Just different numbers, but the same dynamics.
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