Been feeling more and more suicidal lately. Not planning on doing it without external pressure, but I'm less and less motivated to even cope with le inceldom and slowly crawl towards unrealistic long-term goals I set up. I get jolts of pain when I see attractive foids, I've been crying multiple times today. I don't mask or hide my autism, nor my mood. I was only going to drink one bottle of wine, but I ended up going to get another one. Not really getting drunk either, just enjoying the taste of this particular style of wine with some tasty cheese and crackers or on its own. I've been gaining back the weight I lost back when I had a job.
I imagine her, anyone looksmatched, doing basically anything normal. Even just going to a party and having any amount of female interest. I've never been to a party with people my age. Break down crying, but after all these years it's basically voluntary. First time the crying started I believe was over a decade ago, well this type. The emptiness and cold, the pain of imagining simply having a normal life, something most experience, a single wholesome romantic moment.
I don't blame myself or others. There is pure pain behind the rage and sadness. How much longer?
I imagine her, anyone looksmatched, doing basically anything normal. Even just going to a party and having any amount of female interest. I've never been to a party with people my age. Break down crying, but after all these years it's basically voluntary. First time the crying started I believe was over a decade ago, well this type. The emptiness and cold, the pain of imagining simply having a normal life, something most experience, a single wholesome romantic moment.
I don't blame myself or others. There is pure pain behind the rage and sadness. How much longer?
