Long vent ahead.
There is nothing to look forward to tomorrow. It'll be the same empty tedious boring and miserable grind
0 social connections
Everything is boring
Counting the clock till the day is over.
Living is hell. I know even more so now that I will not allow myself to live past 26 if my life does not somehow improve in the following years. Yet even then I question if trying is worth it. My goal is to get a driver's license, buy a car, live in it, and save up money to get a hair transplant, nose job, and facial fat removal. Then however I question if it'll actually make me average in appearance and if I'm average if it will change anything. I still have other limitations and flaws. One I could highlight is my voice, another my deformed body and I know I'll never be able to afford a under bite surgery.
What will I do if I'm average?
I'm unable to make friends so my goal in life will be having sex. But how? I'm still socially fucked so my best option is overseas but I want real sex where the girl is attracted to me. Having sex with some desperate whore doesn't appeal to me. I need to know she's actually attracted to me and simultaneously I want to be attracted to her.
The best opportunity I have then is Asia as the language and culture differences could hide my unattractive voice and bad social skills. Then which country? How expensive?
It all seems so pointless. I feel like a robot trying to simulate human behavior when I don't really want to be here at all. I wish I had gone through with earlier suicide attempts when I was younger and before I was properly blackpilled because now the only thing actually driving me to live is disdain.
I want to have sex with an attractive woman now not because I actually desire sex but to spite the people I hate.
Yet, simultaneously it feels like I'm pointlessly drawing this out and subconsciously gaslighting myself into having hope for something that's impossible.
There is nothing to look forward to tomorrow. It'll be the same empty tedious boring and miserable grind
0 social connections
Everything is boring
Counting the clock till the day is over.
Living is hell. I know even more so now that I will not allow myself to live past 26 if my life does not somehow improve in the following years. Yet even then I question if trying is worth it. My goal is to get a driver's license, buy a car, live in it, and save up money to get a hair transplant, nose job, and facial fat removal. Then however I question if it'll actually make me average in appearance and if I'm average if it will change anything. I still have other limitations and flaws. One I could highlight is my voice, another my deformed body and I know I'll never be able to afford a under bite surgery.
What will I do if I'm average?
I'm unable to make friends so my goal in life will be having sex. But how? I'm still socially fucked so my best option is overseas but I want real sex where the girl is attracted to me. Having sex with some desperate whore doesn't appeal to me. I need to know she's actually attracted to me and simultaneously I want to be attracted to her.
The best opportunity I have then is Asia as the language and culture differences could hide my unattractive voice and bad social skills. Then which country? How expensive?
It all seems so pointless. I feel like a robot trying to simulate human behavior when I don't really want to be here at all. I wish I had gone through with earlier suicide attempts when I was younger and before I was properly blackpilled because now the only thing actually driving me to live is disdain.
I want to have sex with an attractive woman now not because I actually desire sex but to spite the people I hate.
Yet, simultaneously it feels like I'm pointlessly drawing this out and subconsciously gaslighting myself into having hope for something that's impossible.
