Nothing keeps the despair at bay any more

[OrangeFez2311]

In a nutshell, every cope has stopped working. I feel like I'm stuck in time but the rest of the world is streaming around me, like a river streams around a boulder. I can't move in any direction. I try to resist the flow because the future fills me with dread as it's nothing but anguish and boredom, but that is all my life is.

I don't enjoy anything any more. Video games, books, music, films, going outside, going into town, trying to better myself, gym, instruments... It's all just pointless. I don't see the point in doing anything at all, especially when you don't even enjoy it in the moment.

I don't even think it's fear that's stopping me from roping right now, I just can't even summon the motivation to do that.

 

[M. Bison]

Go ER

 

[OrangeFez2311]

Go ER

I couldn't be bothered. I can't even summon up the anger or hate toward people any more. I don't want to hurt anybody. I just want to fade away, like a slowly evaporating puddle. Peaceful, quiet, inevitable and unknown.

 

[Testiclechincel]

Been there. Depression is a bitch to handle. Uncle Xanax helped me out of mine.

 

[OrangeFez2311]

Been there. Depression is a bitch to handle. Uncle Xanax helped me out of mine.

I feel like I'm lying to myself if I was ever to take drugs, though. It's just an act of deception. My life doesn't change. The state of the world doesn't change. The facts don't change. I just cover my psyche in chemical bubble wrap. It's an abdication of truth and honesty. I couldn't go through with it. I wouldn't be me. I'd be a slave to an artificial chemical.

 

[ArtoriasWolf]

Getting use to dopamine rushes ruins everything.

 

[OrangeFez2311]

Getting use to dopamine rushes ruins everything.

I can't even masturbate any more. Not only do I feel no sexual urges at all, I can't even get an erection. Porn just bores me. My most vivid imaginations bore me. I feel dehumanised by society because I have never been treated a sexual agent. I've had to suffocate that part of my humanity in order to cope with being exiled by society. They've broken me.

 

[Deleted member 1269]

Welcome to hell. If you can't get used to it, then either go ER or kys.

 

[Testiclechincel]

I feel like I'm lying to myself if I was ever to take drugs, though. It's just an act of deception. My life doesn't change. The state of the world doesn't change. The facts don't change. I just cover my psyche in chemical bubble wrap. It's an abdication of truth and honesty. I couldn't go through with it. I wouldn't be me. I'd be a slave to an artificial chemical.

Well, depression is chemical imbalance. You can fix chemical imbalance with... chemicals.
and even if it's not  - you are not planing on killing yourself anytime soon so why not better yourself. It's not your fault that life gave you shity cards and using chemicals to lessen the blow  is not cowardice. You are wraped right now by chemical bubble and It is more likly then not is the root core of your depression.

godspeed anyway boyo.

 

[OrangeFez2311]

Well, depression is chemical imbalance. You can fix chemical imbalance with... chemicals.
and even if it's not  - you are not planing on killing yourself anytime soon so why not better yourself. It's not your fault that life gave you shity cards and using chemicals to lessen the blow  is not cowardice. You are wraped right now by chemical bubble and It is more likly then not is the root core of your depression.

godspeed anyway boyo.

I get what you're saying, I really do, I just can't get past the artificial nature of Xanax and stuff. Dunno why. But thank you for the suggestion and your support.