I often think about how insanely cheap human life is. Most people die and then are completely forgotten about in at most a few decades. The world keeps spinning and most of us had no impact. Think about meteors. One could coincidentally hit Earth and kill us all. Not much we can do about it. When the planet gets boring, god chucks a rock at it. He could be winding up at any time, and it'll mean nothing in the end.
It's hard to care about anything nowadays. Mass shootings don't matter to me, presidential assassination attempts are hardly worth my interest, and I really couldn't give less of a shit about wars around the world. Nothing I do matters and I'm trapped in a meaningless existence. I can't actually answer why I'm still alive. My life has been going nowhere for years now.
Every single one of the dreams I had as a child has been crushed to pieces. All of my teenage years were miserably spent with isolation, depression, and bullying. On top of that, I currently have no friends. Every person I've ever thought of as a friend has left me and moved on. This is a given since I'm on this forum, but I've never experienced love before. Never kissed, held hands with, or affectionately hugged someone in my life (and obviously I'm still a virgin). College didn't work out for me since I had zero friends and was excluded by everyone around me. I had to drop out, and now I rot at home in community college. I see social media posts all the time from people I went to high school with going to their big universities with all their friends and bfs/gfs. I see them post about partying, concerts, and just hanging out with friends in general, all while I spend every day and night alone. I have no social life and haven't had one in numerous years.
I'm also ashamed about dropping out of school in general. I was actually pretty smart when I was younger. I took higher level classes in school and pretty much always received good grades. I actually enjoyed learning when I was younger too, and I wanted to go to a highly ranked college and do well. The thought of doing research and experiments of some sort with friends in college was something that motivated me to do well in school. When I slowly realized this would never become a reality during the last few years of high school, it somewhat killed my adventurous spirit, and it became a chore to actually put effort into school. Even if I somehow do get better, it'll be incredibly difficult to get myself out of the deep grave I dug for myself.
I've been living solely off of copes for the past couple years. Alcohol and weed were the only things I looked forward to. Nothing else was interesting, but now even those things are starting to become boring. When I'm not in class, probably like 90% of my time is just sitting around doing nothing productive. I don't enjoy being alive. Being conscious is fucking awful and I wish it would end already.
Nothing gets better
It's hard to care about anything nowadays. Mass shootings don't matter to me, presidential assassination attempts are hardly worth my interest, and I really couldn't give less of a shit about wars around the world. Nothing I do matters and I'm trapped in a meaningless existence. I can't actually answer why I'm still alive. My life has been going nowhere for years now.
Every single one of the dreams I had as a child has been crushed to pieces. All of my teenage years were miserably spent with isolation, depression, and bullying. On top of that, I currently have no friends. Every person I've ever thought of as a friend has left me and moved on. This is a given since I'm on this forum, but I've never experienced love before. Never kissed, held hands with, or affectionately hugged someone in my life (and obviously I'm still a virgin). College didn't work out for me since I had zero friends and was excluded by everyone around me. I had to drop out, and now I rot at home in community college. I see social media posts all the time from people I went to high school with going to their big universities with all their friends and bfs/gfs. I see them post about partying, concerts, and just hanging out with friends in general, all while I spend every day and night alone. I have no social life and haven't had one in numerous years.
I'm also ashamed about dropping out of school in general. I was actually pretty smart when I was younger. I took higher level classes in school and pretty much always received good grades. I actually enjoyed learning when I was younger too, and I wanted to go to a highly ranked college and do well. The thought of doing research and experiments of some sort with friends in college was something that motivated me to do well in school. When I slowly realized this would never become a reality during the last few years of high school, it somewhat killed my adventurous spirit, and it became a chore to actually put effort into school. Even if I somehow do get better, it'll be incredibly difficult to get myself out of the deep grave I dug for myself.
I've been living solely off of copes for the past couple years. Alcohol and weed were the only things I looked forward to. Nothing else was interesting, but now even those things are starting to become boring. When I'm not in class, probably like 90% of my time is just sitting around doing nothing productive. I don't enjoy being alive. Being conscious is fucking awful and I wish it would end already.
Nothing gets better
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