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People always ask why I'm at school after classes. I feel pathetic telling them I don't wanna go home because I'll be all alone. Everyone in my school has somebody or they're studymaxxing. I go home and sleep until I wake up the next day because I honestly lost my will to succeed. I have over 100 numbers in my phone, but I talk to maybe 3 of them a day because I know my text will just be left on read. I'm always the outsider in anything I join and if it's competitive, I'm the most useless person there. I go to the local gym and I feel only pain when the people at my school show up and workout with their friends and I'm by myself. Whenever I talk with other guys my age, I end up the Virgin butt of the joke. I'll play games with them and without being provoked, they start calling me a virgin. Being alive honestly feels like there's some "kick me" sign on my back that I can't see. All my friends have lives while they probably don't know they're all I have at this point. I'm smart enough to go to college but if it's just school on steroids, I honestly don't want it. I'm really trying. No offense to the people here, but I don't wanna be a lonely 30 year old man who has nothing to look back on and nothing to look forward to. I'm trying so hard but it feels like everytime I try, the people in my life move further away and my will to live chips away more and more. I just wanna sleep because that's the only time I feel any sort of happiness.
The moment I wake up and remember everyone my age is getting a "good morning" text from their friends, "get ready for school" from their loving parents, and already has plans for the day, is the moment I'm brought back to my lonely reality. I'd kill myself but it would only bring sadness to people and my name would just be used for random people who never cared about me to say "I'm so shook that newbiecel is gone. We were really good friends" and "lol who didn't see that coming" and souless moments of "respectful" silence. I just want to be wanted. Not even sexually at this point. Just that feeling of being cared about. It's all I want.
The moment I wake up and remember everyone my age is getting a "good morning" text from their friends, "get ready for school" from their loving parents, and already has plans for the day, is the moment I'm brought back to my lonely reality. I'd kill myself but it would only bring sadness to people and my name would just be used for random people who never cared about me to say "I'm so shook that newbiecel is gone. We were really good friends" and "lol who didn't see that coming" and souless moments of "respectful" silence. I just want to be wanted. Not even sexually at this point. Just that feeling of being cared about. It's all I want.
