L
Hey all, this is my first foray into the world of incel, so please don't tear me a new one. Nice to find a group of people who have some idea of what I've been through in my life, so many normies love to serve you sugarcoated platitudes all the time because they have no idea. I've been reading up on all the acronyms and slang, I guess it's like a secret language/bonding thing, or perhaps for brevity? Seems a little overused sometimes, but when in Rome I guess, though if I mangle it, let me know.
First, my life story in short: I'm in my late 30's and I'm a little unique in here because I had a ten year period of my life where I attempted to looksmax and essentially pulled off an upper level normie (mostly facewise) for some time. However, during that whole time I remained what I still am, a Mentalcel, and lifelong virgin (soon approaching the dreaded 40 y.o. "point of no return").
The reason for my Mentalcel and virgin status is, I believe, a case of Klinefelter's syndrome (I've never been tested but I have many of the symptoms) that expressed itself in severe gynecomastia (which started around age 6), large womanly hips, a giant flat shelf of an ass, weak muscles, elongated chicken arms, poor coordindation/balance, unusually small family jewels (luckily my endowment is pretty close to average, though not the desired 6+ inches), and what appears to be an undeveloped labia majora (though there's no sign of any opening there, at least). The only benefit is that I ended up taller than expected at 6' 3" or so (my Mom and Dad were not particularly tall and another symptom of Klinefelter's is unusual height).
Other kids recognized the gynecomastia early on, and basically robbed me of my masculinity and made me an easy target for verbal and emotional abuse before I'd even hit puberty. I also moved away from my childhood home in rural western MA at the age of 8 and had to start over as the new kid in the capital of superficiality, L.A. From all of that, I got depressed, turned to binge eating to cope, and with my slow metabolism and eventually elastic stomach, that blew up my weight to a morbidly obese level (about 330 lbs.) by the time I got to Middle School. I also had no clue about fashion or trends, and still despise that marketing bullshit.
As you might expect, that three year Middle School period was a living hell- I had only one friend who soon abandoned me when he realized I was dragging down his social standing, was regularly teased and had rocks thrown at me when I was eating lunch, was rained with insults and towel-whips before and after gym-class, got into several fights and got beat badly one time (with my gym teacher and classmates looking on doing nothing), and was terrible at every physical activity and sport. I tried to tell my parents over and over during this time that I was undergoing emotional trauma on a more or less daily basis, and they just told me to try to let it slide off my back, which I never found myself capable of doing. I do wish they'd offered to pay for surgery back then instead.
I continued to be made fun of throughout my first two years of high school, but after that I learned how to look inconspicuous and made it a point to avoid other kids entirely during my Junior year, when I was mostly left alone (being tall and somewhat physically imposing probably helped). Of course the girls ignored me entirely. I managed to make another similarly socially awkward friend during this time, but we'd usually only hang out once a week, either going bowling or to a movie. I lost touch with that guy back around 2000 or so.
I tested out of high school late in my Junior year, and attempted to learn computer networking for a while, and then when I was 21, I decided it was my destiny to right all the wrongs life had done to me by losing a bunch of weight and making an attempt to learn piano and become a pro musician instead (goaded by my lifelong love of music and a musician cousin who believed we could make it happen in a band together). Needless to say, this was a BAD decision, and I'm no musician today.
I did lose the weight though (over 100 lbs.), and for about a decade (21-31) I looked like a fairly attractive normie, at least with my clothes on (with them off I had the aforementioned defects plus a lot of hanging loose skin from when I was huge). I was working out a lot during this period and though I was never ripped by any means, I managed to become toned enough that my large chest could be mistaken for pecs, until I took my shirt off anyway. I had at least 10 superficial chances to lose my v-card during this period, two of which were Stacies, but I couldn't bring myself to make a move because A. I had no self confidence after the years of torment in school and B. I was afraid they would turn and run when they saw me with my clothes off. I didn't think I would be able to handle that amount of rejection after all I'd already been through, and the Stacies were definitely out of my league anyway.
After completing my general ed at community college and taking a lot of music classes concurrently, I transferred to a full University as a music major and once there, discovered I had no talent and no time to get my chops up to snuff to graduate. I dropped out after that, and since have worked a series of dead-end odd jobs that pay shit.
At age 29 my parents actually did end up paying for my gynecomastia surgery, but my Mom forced me to use a guy who didn't have a lot of experience with that procedure, only because he went to Stanford and did a decent job on my sister's rhinoplasty. He ended up screwing up my surgery though, and now I have bad scarring and big cavities where my huge man-boobs used to be. At least I look normal with a shirt on now though.
I ended up moving back in with my parents and have been working as a driver for the past few years, the whole time slowly gaining back all the weight I lost when I was younger, as I realized that my dreams of redemption were over. I had thinning hair throughout my 20's but my hair loss has accelerated in recent years and now I'm bordering on going bald. I lost my terrible chauffeur job back in August and since then I've been in full LDAR mode.
I guess I'm in here because I'm wondering how bad I really have it, and you guys seem to be brutally honest, which I respect. I understand a lot of you were cursed with an ugly face, which must be a heartbreaker, but I feel in some ways that my situation can be comparably frustrating sometimes, since I've been teased with opportunities that I never pursued because I knew how wrong they could go once we got naked and my obvious defects were revealed.
I started watching porn at a young age and lived in L.A. when I went to grade school, which I think warped my sensibilities to the point that I only ever wanted a girl who was at least a 6. One of my 10 opportunities was actually with a girl who was a 6, but I wanted to tell her my flaws before we got naked, and after I did so, she wanted nothing to do with me. Women don't want the real you, they want a guy with an SMV several points above themselves. I guess that's true of myself too though. It's hard to accept that the Universe's plan for me was to settle, while the Chads and Slayers and even some talented Normies do as they please.
TLDR since you are all so brutally honest, I am curious what this forum would consider, knowing my dark secret: 1. What my looksmatch would've been when I was young and in shape (so I can torment myself with regret) and 2. What my looksmarch would be currently. Here are two videos for your perusal:
Young, healthier me pre-gyne surgery:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=1s&v=4QlE6HHjWC8
Me now, post surgery:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=556s&v=nZ1bCsb-nCg
I could try to lose the weight again and get corrective surgery, but it would cost me a fortune and it REALLY hurt the first time so I don't have a lot of desire to go through that again. On top of that is the fact that now I have another problem- no woman wants anything to do with a guy who's almost 40, has no career, and is still a virgin.
I'm sorry that this is so long and rambling but I felt like you should understand my background before weighing in. I hope I don't get flamed for this.
First, my life story in short: I'm in my late 30's and I'm a little unique in here because I had a ten year period of my life where I attempted to looksmax and essentially pulled off an upper level normie (mostly facewise) for some time. However, during that whole time I remained what I still am, a Mentalcel, and lifelong virgin (soon approaching the dreaded 40 y.o. "point of no return").
The reason for my Mentalcel and virgin status is, I believe, a case of Klinefelter's syndrome (I've never been tested but I have many of the symptoms) that expressed itself in severe gynecomastia (which started around age 6), large womanly hips, a giant flat shelf of an ass, weak muscles, elongated chicken arms, poor coordindation/balance, unusually small family jewels (luckily my endowment is pretty close to average, though not the desired 6+ inches), and what appears to be an undeveloped labia majora (though there's no sign of any opening there, at least). The only benefit is that I ended up taller than expected at 6' 3" or so (my Mom and Dad were not particularly tall and another symptom of Klinefelter's is unusual height).
Other kids recognized the gynecomastia early on, and basically robbed me of my masculinity and made me an easy target for verbal and emotional abuse before I'd even hit puberty. I also moved away from my childhood home in rural western MA at the age of 8 and had to start over as the new kid in the capital of superficiality, L.A. From all of that, I got depressed, turned to binge eating to cope, and with my slow metabolism and eventually elastic stomach, that blew up my weight to a morbidly obese level (about 330 lbs.) by the time I got to Middle School. I also had no clue about fashion or trends, and still despise that marketing bullshit.
As you might expect, that three year Middle School period was a living hell- I had only one friend who soon abandoned me when he realized I was dragging down his social standing, was regularly teased and had rocks thrown at me when I was eating lunch, was rained with insults and towel-whips before and after gym-class, got into several fights and got beat badly one time (with my gym teacher and classmates looking on doing nothing), and was terrible at every physical activity and sport. I tried to tell my parents over and over during this time that I was undergoing emotional trauma on a more or less daily basis, and they just told me to try to let it slide off my back, which I never found myself capable of doing. I do wish they'd offered to pay for surgery back then instead.
I continued to be made fun of throughout my first two years of high school, but after that I learned how to look inconspicuous and made it a point to avoid other kids entirely during my Junior year, when I was mostly left alone (being tall and somewhat physically imposing probably helped). Of course the girls ignored me entirely. I managed to make another similarly socially awkward friend during this time, but we'd usually only hang out once a week, either going bowling or to a movie. I lost touch with that guy back around 2000 or so.
I tested out of high school late in my Junior year, and attempted to learn computer networking for a while, and then when I was 21, I decided it was my destiny to right all the wrongs life had done to me by losing a bunch of weight and making an attempt to learn piano and become a pro musician instead (goaded by my lifelong love of music and a musician cousin who believed we could make it happen in a band together). Needless to say, this was a BAD decision, and I'm no musician today.
I did lose the weight though (over 100 lbs.), and for about a decade (21-31) I looked like a fairly attractive normie, at least with my clothes on (with them off I had the aforementioned defects plus a lot of hanging loose skin from when I was huge). I was working out a lot during this period and though I was never ripped by any means, I managed to become toned enough that my large chest could be mistaken for pecs, until I took my shirt off anyway. I had at least 10 superficial chances to lose my v-card during this period, two of which were Stacies, but I couldn't bring myself to make a move because A. I had no self confidence after the years of torment in school and B. I was afraid they would turn and run when they saw me with my clothes off. I didn't think I would be able to handle that amount of rejection after all I'd already been through, and the Stacies were definitely out of my league anyway.
After completing my general ed at community college and taking a lot of music classes concurrently, I transferred to a full University as a music major and once there, discovered I had no talent and no time to get my chops up to snuff to graduate. I dropped out after that, and since have worked a series of dead-end odd jobs that pay shit.
At age 29 my parents actually did end up paying for my gynecomastia surgery, but my Mom forced me to use a guy who didn't have a lot of experience with that procedure, only because he went to Stanford and did a decent job on my sister's rhinoplasty. He ended up screwing up my surgery though, and now I have bad scarring and big cavities where my huge man-boobs used to be. At least I look normal with a shirt on now though.
I ended up moving back in with my parents and have been working as a driver for the past few years, the whole time slowly gaining back all the weight I lost when I was younger, as I realized that my dreams of redemption were over. I had thinning hair throughout my 20's but my hair loss has accelerated in recent years and now I'm bordering on going bald. I lost my terrible chauffeur job back in August and since then I've been in full LDAR mode.
I guess I'm in here because I'm wondering how bad I really have it, and you guys seem to be brutally honest, which I respect. I understand a lot of you were cursed with an ugly face, which must be a heartbreaker, but I feel in some ways that my situation can be comparably frustrating sometimes, since I've been teased with opportunities that I never pursued because I knew how wrong they could go once we got naked and my obvious defects were revealed.
I started watching porn at a young age and lived in L.A. when I went to grade school, which I think warped my sensibilities to the point that I only ever wanted a girl who was at least a 6. One of my 10 opportunities was actually with a girl who was a 6, but I wanted to tell her my flaws before we got naked, and after I did so, she wanted nothing to do with me. Women don't want the real you, they want a guy with an SMV several points above themselves. I guess that's true of myself too though. It's hard to accept that the Universe's plan for me was to settle, while the Chads and Slayers and even some talented Normies do as they please.
TLDR since you are all so brutally honest, I am curious what this forum would consider, knowing my dark secret: 1. What my looksmatch would've been when I was young and in shape (so I can torment myself with regret) and 2. What my looksmarch would be currently. Here are two videos for your perusal:
Young, healthier me pre-gyne surgery:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=1s&v=4QlE6HHjWC8
Me now, post surgery:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=556s&v=nZ1bCsb-nCg
I could try to lose the weight again and get corrective surgery, but it would cost me a fortune and it REALLY hurt the first time so I don't have a lot of desire to go through that again. On top of that is the fact that now I have another problem- no woman wants anything to do with a guy who's almost 40, has no career, and is still a virgin.
I'm sorry that this is so long and rambling but I felt like you should understand my background before weighing in. I hope I don't get flamed for this.
.
