here we go.
The day I met her was August 11th 2020 on the first day back to school, I was at the start of school ceremony and she caught my eyes. I wasn't sure why. She had brunette hair, and wore a mask, everyone did. It was her eyes that caught my attention, I noticed her left eye were just a tiny bit bigger than her right, I thought it was quite special. When the ceremony ended I attended different classes for the first time, I only had my English class with her, during class kept glancing at her as I was curious what she looked like without a mask. For some reason that day after school I kept on thinking about her maybe it was my curiousity or I was already attracted. The next day I saw her face during lunch she wasn't how I expected to look in fact I was a bit dissapointed. I thought in my mind "oh well another average girl" but I still thought about her, I still glanced at her during class.
The curiosity at first developed into a crush within a month, She was very very kind, we talked sometimes in English class and we had some in common. She'd always volunteer to help teachers, and she wasn't promiscuous. She doesn't use makeup, she doesn't use tiktok, she doesn't post on instagram and she keeps to herself. I knew that was the kind of girl I've been looking for. I started thinking about her daily. She quickly occupied my mind in every moment. When it was Halloween I had plans to invite her to hangout but I never had enough confidence to, I was very insecure. I regret not making my moves early. There was one time I manned up and actually made a move, she had trouble with an assignment and I sat beside her, when I got home I texted her on snapchat that I could help her to do her work, my heart was racing when I sent that message. Immediately after sending that message to her I closed my phone, the next morning I woke up from a notification from her, a message I never saw or opened. I ended up leaving her on delivered for 2 months because my anxiety got so bad I couldn't open her message, when I wanted to check that message snapchat deleted it for me due to leaving it on delievered for too long. I never found out what she sent, but she definitely thought I trolled her.
After that ordeal I stopped talking to her at all and just acted like stranger I was so afraid of making a move I made a plan to have her make the first move, I started moneymaxxing seriously with my father's investment accounts he let me use and I made lots and lots of money. I bought alot of expensive things and flexed alot however it didn't do anything. the entire year flew by and it was the last day of school I wanted to tell her sorry but again I pussied out. I knew I had to do something about my anxiety, I knew it was because of my insecurities, I always hated my body and how skinny I was, I only weighed 100lbs @5'9. I started doing pushups and exercises in my room while motivating myself that I'd eventually get her, I still remember those days. I gained alot of muscle within my first month, I went from 100lbs to 113lbs while still staying very lean and cut.
Near the end of summer I weighed 136lbs and below 12% bodyfat, I also did mewing and my face developed very well, I was very confident and was rated average 6-7/10 online and in real life. I knew it was time I finally tell her everything, this time I manned up and texted her on snapchat, I sent her a paragraph of words that I carefully chose and wrote and edited for over 1 month detailing my journey that lead me to the moment im confessing to her. At the end of that paragraph I included my phone number and told her if she reciprocated the feeling she can text and if she didn't, I told her to just block me on snapchat. It was an intense 10 minute, I got a text message ding (I Knew it was her without a doubt, she's the only one that have my number) God cannot describe how happy I was, I legit cried becasue I was so happy I immediately bragged to all my aquintances and they all congratulated me. Because I was so excited I wanted to read her message the next morning as I was already planning dates and gifts for her. I wrote all my ideas on a piece of paper and slept super well that night.
When it was morning I knew it's time I read the good news, so I opened my messages and saw her text.
Here's the text messages between us.
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You can see how much of a beta male I was when I found out she got back with her bf, I wished her the best and hoped things go well for them, but in reality? I was crying my eyes out, I couldn't believe yesterday's good news was this. I used up 3 rolls of toilet paper in the span of 2 days my eyes were not once dry. Even in my sleep those text messages haunted me. After a whole summer's self improving I was still a betamale in the end, I didnt even tell her how fucking sad I was, instead I lied and wished her happy. What I really wished was she wasnt happy with him, I hoped they fucking break up, I wish her bf dies, im not happy for her at all, I wanna tell her what I wanted to say, but instead I wished her happy, becasue I still loved her and didn't want her to be hurt, I just wanted her to be happy even in the end.
Well the rest of my life has just been a downhill slope, I couldn't move on from her, I tried many times I even tried with other girls to forget about her but they didn't work. In the end she was still on my mind every moment of my day even in my sleep. I started going to the gym and hit it like it's gonna magically get me her, I wanted to show her Im able to dedicate myself for her, that Im a better partner. I went to the gym everyday, not a day I didn't go, not even when I was sick. I eventually started using steroids, I was only fucking 16. Counting to now I've accumlated thousands of syringes and used up vials. I fucked myself up pretty hard this summer, I wanted to be the biggest boy in the school to impress her, I did become the biggest guy. But at what cost? I blasted huge dosage of steroids, oral and injected form as well as anciliary drug, near the end of my cycle I was throwing up everyday, depressed every moment of my existence. Constant suicidal thoughts, thats when an aquintance said to me "Hey your an incel!" thats when I first discovered the word incel, I went on the internet and searched and found IT and Incels.is. The next week I joined and here I am now, life hasn't gotten any better.
I know it's over for me, I most likely won't try a second time because it's pretty pointless, although my feelings havn't decreased by a single bit I will try and forget her, I'll start by hating her for what she's done to me, for destroying me. There are lots of parts I skipped here but this is basically my story with her
