You know you are a fucking failure even people whose job it is to help you leave you.
I have no family and friends and during a suicide attempt with a shit ton of medication and alcohol I apparently contacted my foid doctor and told her what was going through my mind. I told her stuff like "everyone left me and you're the only person with whom I can have conversations. Thank you for talking to a loser piece of shit like me. If you were not my doctor it would be impossible for me to be able to speak to someone like you".
Yes, I know, the last part sounds so cucked and cringe but it is true. She's hot af and I'm an ugly subhuman. It would be beyond impossible for me to be able to interact with someone like her if the situations didn't force us to interact.
Anyway, obviously I was so fucking embarrassed after reading the messages I sent to her. I contacted her, apologized and sent to her my medical discharge reports which confirmed that I was under the effect of both alcohol and medication poisoning as a result of a suicide attempt. She started ignoring my messages, and I thought that was because she didn't care about the previous messages I sent to her during the suicide attempt, so I appeared during our next appointment, which we had already set before my suicide attempt. I was already so embarrassed and it was very difficult for me to have the courage to show, but I was hoping to apologize to her face to face, so there was also some incentive to show up to the appointment. My appointment time came, she read my name, I went to her room, and she said I can not come to her for treatment anymore since what I did. When I asked why, she said I was creepy. I tried to apologize and explain that I was having a suicide attempt and that my mind was not right. I also showed my discharge letter which proved that I was half-conscious and not only under the effect of drug overdose and poisoning but also alcohol poisoning. She did not listen or care. I was trying to calmly explain. Then, she threatened to sue me for stalking if I didn't leave immediately. I felt like a fucking creep. I said threats are not necessary, and if she had just told me that I should not have come beforehand, I would have not come.
Why didn't she just let me know via E-mail that I should not come to our appointment instead of humiliating me in front of other doctors and patients? Of course, just like every single bitch she wanted to put a loser guy to shame and get a free ego boost. If I was an asshole chad she would come to me when I contacted her during suicide attempt and suck my cock.
Shortly after this I was diagnosed with Borderline and now I know why I'm such a creep who doesn't and will never have anyone. Borderline is destructive af and it makes not only having friends literally impossible, but even relationships such as patient/doctor which are very easy to have for most people becomes impossible to have.
I will probably rope very soon.
