Idk, I've been spinning in circles for years. I am ugly, but I don't think I'm that ugly, especially considering my demands: I don't even want a gf at this point (I mean, I want one obviously but it's not my top priority), I just want a friend or preferably a pack of friends. I just want someone to vent to, to talk with, to watch movies with and maybe be a little affectionate with (I mean cuddling, petting, belly rubs -- I don't think you need a full-blown sexual partner for that). I may be too ugly for love, but there are incel-looking people who have friendships (I think so?).
As I've said, I'm ugly and that's the reason why I don't have a girlfriend, but I think the reason why I don't have a friend is my mind. I've read somewhere that one of the reasons why dogs have hard time getting along with cats is tail signals: when a dog wages it's tail, it means he's happy; when a cat's tail twitches, that means he's angry -- they misunderstand each other. I wonder to what extend that happens to me and normies. I've mentioned a few times how I parse the world through the lens of my conlang and how sometimes concepts don't translate well into normie languages: there may be genuine misunderstandings, I often notice how some words have different connotations for me and normies (even if the literal meanings match).
I try to take up the habit of pardoning normies, assuming the most positive explanations of their hurtful words and actions: often I can find a rationale that isn't totally reprehensible. I like to assume that there's a small psychopath elite which controls the society and normies just get along with it to avoid being left out (like me). Some may also not be aware of their evil doings: today in a talk with my mom I discovered she didn't seem to know that cosmetics are tested on animals and how cruel it can be. Normies may just copy things everyone is doing without second thought and they don't even expect that they're harming someone. The concept of "roasting" is foreign and cruel to me, but I try to understand that making fun of your friends seems to be the way normies socialize and they don't necessarily mean to hurt me when they do it.
Idk, I don't want to idealize normies now -- they are quite bad in general, there's a reason why I avoid them like fire, but there's no way I'm the only ok-ish human being. I find people online with similar value systems sometimes and honestly I'm definitely not a great person, so it shouldn't be hard to be better than me. I could simply be on the autistic spectrum (I'm diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, but the diagnose was very sloppy) and all I require is some social skills coaching and a few people who'd be willing to put up with my quirks. I really want to think that the people with whom I failed to socialize were just bad apples and there are good people out there. Similar with therapists: I've tried two (and went to a psychiatrist), there are hundreds other ones. Too bad I can't afford therapy anyway… I could if I found a job, but to find a job, I'd probably need therapy first because people are just off-put by my mannerisms.
Idk, perhaps it's just one of these moments when I interacted with the world so little that I forgot how harsh it is… I'll probably end up trying to make friends, only to get an overly rude response and then shut down all attempts at making friends for next few months. I've been consuming a lot of My Little Pony and Filly Funtasia recently, so my view of the world may be screwed at the moment. Sorry, if I sound too bluepilled. I guess I'm just very depressed with my situation and "a drowning man will clutch at a straw" (in Polish we say "will clutch at a razor" which is perhaps a more fitting imagery in my case).
As I've said, I'm ugly and that's the reason why I don't have a girlfriend, but I think the reason why I don't have a friend is my mind. I've read somewhere that one of the reasons why dogs have hard time getting along with cats is tail signals: when a dog wages it's tail, it means he's happy; when a cat's tail twitches, that means he's angry -- they misunderstand each other. I wonder to what extend that happens to me and normies. I've mentioned a few times how I parse the world through the lens of my conlang and how sometimes concepts don't translate well into normie languages: there may be genuine misunderstandings, I often notice how some words have different connotations for me and normies (even if the literal meanings match).
I try to take up the habit of pardoning normies, assuming the most positive explanations of their hurtful words and actions: often I can find a rationale that isn't totally reprehensible. I like to assume that there's a small psychopath elite which controls the society and normies just get along with it to avoid being left out (like me). Some may also not be aware of their evil doings: today in a talk with my mom I discovered she didn't seem to know that cosmetics are tested on animals and how cruel it can be. Normies may just copy things everyone is doing without second thought and they don't even expect that they're harming someone. The concept of "roasting" is foreign and cruel to me, but I try to understand that making fun of your friends seems to be the way normies socialize and they don't necessarily mean to hurt me when they do it.
Idk, I don't want to idealize normies now -- they are quite bad in general, there's a reason why I avoid them like fire, but there's no way I'm the only ok-ish human being. I find people online with similar value systems sometimes and honestly I'm definitely not a great person, so it shouldn't be hard to be better than me. I could simply be on the autistic spectrum (I'm diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, but the diagnose was very sloppy) and all I require is some social skills coaching and a few people who'd be willing to put up with my quirks. I really want to think that the people with whom I failed to socialize were just bad apples and there are good people out there. Similar with therapists: I've tried two (and went to a psychiatrist), there are hundreds other ones. Too bad I can't afford therapy anyway… I could if I found a job, but to find a job, I'd probably need therapy first because people are just off-put by my mannerisms.
Idk, perhaps it's just one of these moments when I interacted with the world so little that I forgot how harsh it is… I'll probably end up trying to make friends, only to get an overly rude response and then shut down all attempts at making friends for next few months. I've been consuming a lot of My Little Pony and Filly Funtasia recently, so my view of the world may be screwed at the moment. Sorry, if I sound too bluepilled. I guess I'm just very depressed with my situation and "a drowning man will clutch at a straw" (in Polish we say "will clutch at a razor" which is perhaps a more fitting imagery in my case).
